Patience.

Anyone can give up; it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would expect you to fall apart, now that is true strength.
― Chris BradfordThe Way of the Sword

IMG_2281I can be patient. I can be calm. I will never, ever give up. I had my “falling apart” moment more than a month ago. I never gave up, I never will. I am strong. My love story isn’t over yet, a new chapter is just beginning—maybe. My guard is still up, but we will see how fast it comes down.
Sig

Write.

Write BuzzFeed had this article that I totally stole all these quotes from. They had them all in ugly, big graphics, and I just wanted the words. When I can’t write, I read, and these quotes have kept me going over the years.

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” -Anne Lamott

“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” -James Joyce

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worse enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” -Sylvia Plath

“Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.” -Natalie Goldberg

“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.” -Kurt Vonnegut

“Quiet people have the loudest minds.” -Stephen King

“I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I’m afraid of.” -Joss Whedon

“If it is still in your mind. It is worth taking the risk.” -Paulo Coelho

“The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.” -Anais Nin

“No black woman writer in this culture can write ‘too much’. Indeed, no woman writer can write ‘too much’. No woman has ever written enough.” -Bell Hooks

“If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you’ll never learn.” -Ray Bradbury

“If I waited for perfection I would never write a word.” -Margaret Atwood

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.” -Cyril Connolly

“Be the instrument playing the sound of your life’s passing.” -Jonathan Safran Foer

“Get it down. Take chances. It may be bad, but it’s the only way you can do anything really good.” -William Faulkner

“You can’t blame a writer for what the characters say.” -Truman Capote

“We can destroy what we have written but we cannot unwrite it.” -Anthony Burgess

“I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.” -Jarod Kintz

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” – Joan Didion

“If you don’t care for obscenity, you don’t care for the truth.” -Tim O’Brien

“There is no denying the wild horse in us.” -Virginia Woolf

“A writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, or because everything she does is golden. A writer is a writer because, even when there is not hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway.” -Junot Diaz

“Writing a novel is a terrible experience, during which the hair often falls out and the teeth decay. I’m always irritated by people who imply that writing fiction is an escape from reality. It is a plunge into reality and it’s very shocking to the system.” -Flannery O’Connor

“The books that the world call immoral are the books that show the world it’s own shame.” -Oscar Wilde

“Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say.” -Mitch Albom

Thinking About You

You’re a million miles away but I can still see your face
I can still taste your lips from the kiss yesterday
I heard you left the other day, took another trip to outer space
I will chase you around the world, I can still heal you, I can still feel you, I can still
hear you calling my name

I’ve been thinking about you
I’ve been dreaming about you, every night and everyday
I keep waiting on you
Been praying for you that maybe you’ll come back again someday

PuddleofMuddShould of been a piece of cake
But I guess it had to end this way
Why is everything such a waste?
I wanna keep holding on
Holding on to what we got
But everything that we had is already gone
I can still heal you, I can still feel you, I can still hear you calling my name

I’ve been thinking about you
I’ve been dreaming about you, every night and everyday
I keep waiting on you
Been praying for you that maybe you’ll come back again someday

I’ve walked around the world about a million times
Just to find you girl, can’t get you out of my mind
I’d cross a burning bridge in the nick of time, just to save you girl
Can’t get you out of my mind, can’t get you out of mind

I’ve been thinking about you
I’ve been dreaming about you, every night and everyday
I keep waiting on you
Been praying for you that maybe you’ll come back again someday

I’ve been thinking about you girl
I’ve been dreaming about you every night
I keep waiting on you and praying for you
That maybe you’ll come back again someday

It’s all my fault.

My faults are, but not limited to, the following:

  1. I am fiercely independent.
  2. I am deeply emotional, but will hardly ever show it.
  3. I give too much.
  4. NotGivingInI expect people to always show their true colors.
  5. I forget how to say “no” sometimes, but then I say it too much other times.
  6. When confronted with drama I will always walk away.
  7. I swear, a lot.
  8. I am loud.
  9. I cover up my hurt with a smile occasionally.
  10. Sometimes I work too hard and forget to have fun.

Of course these are not all my faults—that list would take days. But these are what I feel are my Top 10. Some of my faults I am going to try and change and some I am not.

A lot has happened in the last 6 months (some good and some bad). I have come to realize the every move I have made for the past 15+ years has been influenced by someone very important to me. I did not realize it at the time, but looking back, I see it now.

Now I am trying something new. I know weak people make me crazy. I am glad to be back with like-minded, creative people working on some great projects. And I am trying to figure out where I want to plant my roots. Of course, I am still a work in progress. But, I am making progress.
Sig

Not unhappy.

What exactly does “not unhappy” mean? I’m not sure, but I have been saying it a lot lately. So many people lately have told me to just do what makes me happy and I don’t know how to respond to this. Am I happy all the time? Of course not. Am I unhappy? No, but I am sad sometimes. I just respond with “I’m not unhappy right now.”

I guess as I get older my definition of happy changes. I used to think happiness was the husband and wife, kids, white picket fence, etc. Now I know my kind of happiness is the random moments that turn into great memories. Right now happiness is: Brandon and Luc, phone calls with an old friend, phone calls and txts from a new one, everything that has to do with a body of water, all the stuff going on with SeitzLife and Seitz Construction, Twinkies, Mountain Dew, Carrot Cake, being able to go home whenever I want to, Jeeps, and knowing that every disappointment, heartbreak and mistake I go thru teaches me something.

Sometimes it is hard to grasp just how lucky I am. I get to do a job I love every single day. I have two awesome sons who just continue to amaze me. I may not be rich, but I never go hungry or unclothed. I always have a place to lay my head with a roof over it, whether it be in Illinois or Kentucky. I have the unconditional love of my parents. I have a lot of amazing people in my life who I know I can call any time day or night. I get to write whenever I want about whatever I want. Yet, something is missing, but I don’t know what. I know I want to do more in life, I just don’t know what.

Today an old friend told me I make all decisions quick and I can change my mind in a split second and go in an entirely different direction. I guess I don’t feel grounded right now. But how do I get grounded? Maybe I am just over obsessing about the physical pain I am in right now and it is blurring my judgement. Maybe I am thinking too much about the past and forgetting to live for now and the future. Maybe I need a good therapist.

Maybe I should just stick to my mantra of being a work in progress and just get up in the morning and start all over again, again.
Sig

 

Smiling.

Hardhat
My team may only build websites, but I have to protect my melon.

It has been brought to my attention I have been smiling a lot recently. I am super busy, I have a huge, great project getting ready to start up and I am cool with my personal life. I have so many reasons to be thankful. I get to do a job I love every single day. I have surrounded myself with like-minded, creative, smart people and my mind has been on overdrive ever since. They have motivated me, challenged me and shown me how great it is to lead and be part of a fabulous team again.

A new project with a great friend is starting to come together too. We both needed a new place to write and I think we have created the perfect environment for both of us to produce some kick ass pieces. I will be talking about it more later, but hopefully we will launch in the next few weeks.

I have still got my guard up and I do not plan on letting it down, but I am playing smart right now and it seems to be working for me. I have taken the same attitude with my personal life I have in business—work hard, do good work, do not ever miss a deadline and if you make a mistake, own it. Personally this translates to play and love hard, always be the best I can be, never keep anyone waiting and say I am sorry when I am. I am still a work in progress, but this feels right.

I made my team custom hardhats this week. Seitz Construction is building a huge new website for a great client. I wanted to protect the big brains around here, so the hardhats just seemed like the perfect headwear for them. Sure, we build websites and there is very little danger involved, but safety first. I am sure the hardhats will spend more time on the desks then they ever do on  heads, but I wanted to mark the occasion with something we could keep. Mine is on my desk, but I am sure I will put it on from time to time, along with my work books whenever the contrators actually get started on the renovation.

I also came to the realization this week that I cannot unlove someone and I am not going to try. Timing is sometimes everything. And even though ours was evidently off, I am not going to regret what happened. I am not going to let anyone else define it and I am not going to let anyone else diminish it’s importance to my life. It is what it is and that is enough for me.
Sig

Destiny.

Paulo Coelho“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”  Paulo CoelhoThe Devil and Miss Prym

Ready for next year, after another nap.

Relay
Immediately following the Survivor Lap and Caregiver Lap. Walking the Team Lap with mom. She is incredible!

Yesterday morning after being up for 32 straight hours and driving 2 hours, I happily dropped into my bed and took a 5 hour nap. The 2014 White County Relay for Life was Friday from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. My team, “Seitz on a Cure” raised $10, 713 and the total for the event is approaching $70K. Lots of teams are still turning in money and I am hopeful we may actually reach $75K. I am sleep deprived and it is one of the best feelings I have had in a very long time.

At 6:15 Friday night, the strongest woman on the planet walked the survivor lap for the second time—my mom. Last year she walked it for the first time. When I look back on last year’s pics I remember how so very sick she was. This year she was a lot better. She walked it with all the other proud survivors and they rocked it! Sadly, my friend and survivor Karen Thompson wasn’t able to walk this year. She is a 14+ year survivor and because of her fight she was unable attend, but she will be next year. And I missed seeing Jeannie Heibert walking the Survivor Lap. Heaven gained an angel this year—a brave, beautiful angel.

Mom was honored to help carry the Survivor Lap banner and my dad was a banner carrier for the Caregiver Lap. I do love these laps, but my favorite has to be the next lap—the Team Lap. My team is so incredible and we were so well represented. With our signature safety green tshirts we are always easy to spot on the track. I am proud of the fact we had somebody on the track at all times. We are the only team that can claim this. Next year’s Relay is only 360ish days away and we are already talking about what goals to set and how we can achieve them. Don’t worry, I will keep posting and I will keep asking for donations.

Also, each year my dear friend Jack Baker lovingly donates his time and talent as a photographer to capture some amazing images from the event. Click here for just a sampling of what he captured this year (and buy some). I can’t wait to see the rest!

Our county co-chairs Barb Walters and Patty Hodgson are amazing. They keep all of us Committee Members on task and motivated. They also believe we can do anything as a family, and now we are all one great big family. We have big dreams for Relay in White County and I feel so thankful just to be a part of it. I can’t wait for next year!
Sig

No forgiveness.

I will never forgive you. Yep, I said never.

I will never forgive you for staying away for 20 years, then coming back. I will never forgive you for not seeing the real me. I will never forgive you for not giving me a fair chance. I will never forgive you for loving me. I will never forgive you for making me tell you my dream, then making it mean nothing. I will never forgive you for lying to me. I will never forgive you for making me think that “today is the day.” I will never forgive you for saying you want one thing, but choose something completely different. I will never forgive you for claiming to want a strong, independent woman, because evidently you want a weak, desperate, ugly, 9 to 5, minimum wage, dependent woman. I will never forgive you for making me think I was “the one.” I will never forgive you for making me believe things will be different some day.

I will never forgive myself for believing you. I will never forgive myself for letting my guard down. I will never forgive myself for sharing my dream. I will never forgive myself for showing my emotions to you. I will never forgive myself for allowing you to make me question my own self worth—I know I am awesome. I will never forgive myself for allowing your opinion to effect my decision making process.

And I will never forgive myself for knowing I would give you another chance if you wanted it.
Sig

The lake called, and I went.

Lake

Here I am on a beautiful boat with lots of friends and I am writing. Of course I am writing. When I think, I have to write, so I am writing. Maybe I was destined to be a third-rate writer instead of a grade-A graphic artist. I do love what I do, but all I really want to be when I grow up is a writer.

Anyway, me and the girls are all here on beautiful Kentucky Lake soaking up the rays and probably drinking too much wine. We have been laughing and we have cried both happy and sad tears. It’s good to get away sometimes. Although I could live like this permanently. All of us seem to have relationship issues and all of seem to be very hard to live with right now. We are all contemplating reinventing ourselves, but can’t seem to figure out how we want to do it. I am contemplating going back to being a 9 to 5er. Everybody else seems to have self-image issues.

I’ve been dreaming alot lately and not while I am sleeping. I have had a dream in the back of my head for as long as I can remember. Now I think I might want to change my dream. But how do I do that? How can I suddenly change the entire course of my life and believe that my dream might come true? And when do I finally decide that it won’t, and just move on?

I really am having a great time with the girls (and the two husbands who evidently thought we might need some supervision). But my mind isn’t really here right now. I am trying to live in the moment, but I’m failing miserably. I swore last week I would quit making plans, but damn, that is a tall order to fill for me.

I think we are all going to head into downtown Paducah tonight. Paducah may never be the same. Dinner at Whaler’s Catch is always delicious. And it’s fun for me to show my friends my new adopted home town. I may even take them by my dream building, or maybe I won’t. I don’t think I can look at it without someone holding my hand, at least not right now. There’s a lot going on on Broadway tonight, so if you’re  in the area stop by. There will be live music at almost every bar and the weather is going to be great. I’m pretty confident you will be able to spot us—ten middle-aged hot chicks will be hard to miss. And some of us might be a bit loud—really loud.
Sig