Feeling alone even in a crowded room. What exactly does that mean? I often wonder just how many people feel the same way?
Most of the time it doesn’t matter who I’m with, but to feel that way amongst the supposed most important person in my life, it really does make me think. At one time there was such a connection with this person that no one could sever that link.
Now after all these years, it’s difficult for me to even want to feel it. I’m not sure it’s ever going to be allowed to make any impression on me at all. It’s hard for me to admit. And I know this phrase is hated by many‑“it is what it is,” but “it is what it is.”
Thru my life I’ve been in and out of relationships. Most were started with the mindset that there was no way it was ever going to last—a mutual feeling shared by myself and the other person involved. But some were started with forever in mind. Some of the most thoughts and memories I revisit are of the relationships I thought would really last—the ones I really wanted to last. Isn’t that what most single/its complicated people do? For whatever reason each one ran their respected courses and ended in a heap of sadness and pain. I could go into each one, but then again I really do not want to relive the mistakes and stupidity of why they ended.
If I was being honest with myself I probably would admit half were started under stressful situations and obviously those types of beginnings never last. Rushing and starting in the middle is a stupid way to begin a healthy relationship.
The other half being started the so-called correct way were, just not meant to be. This is more than likely a cop-out excuse. Hell, I don’t know, maybe I’m just too set in my ways and I’m supposed to be single and alone. This brings me back to my original point—feeling alone even in a crowded room. It’s a cliche’, but it’s also a true definitive statement.
Most of the time I get lost in my own head. It seems over the years I believe I’m the smartest person in the room—obviously I’m not. But as hard as I try to realize that, I always come to the same conclusion.
Maybe it’s because other people bore me. Maybe it’s because other people are too set in their ways and set with their ideas and just tend to not make sense to me. Either way it’s a problem for me; I understand that. Even with that understanding, I don’t really care. Being in the “it’s complicated” relationship I’m in with that one person I once thought I couldn’t be separated from, I’m still bored. Things still don’t make sense to me. And the worst thing is I still don’t care. This causes me to get lost in my own head and stay there. I’m not sure my own head is a healthy place to be, but I go there most times and force myself to stay.
I often wonder if it’s a safe place to be. But saying that, I could be asking myself if my mind is dangerous. It’s a constant struggle to separate the good thoughts from the bad ones. And let’s face it, the bad thoughts are the ones that tend to torture us, right? The battle of good over evil; evil over good; but even the bad or evil thoughts are easier for me to deal with than the actual person sitting across the room from me. That’s not how it’s supposed to be, is it? No need to answer, I know the answer and I know exactly what happens.
I hope no one else is like this. But I would be pretty naive to think I’m the only one who thinks this way or puts themselves into this internal seclusion.
Feeling alone even in a crowded room. This is my definition and my struggle.
-Michael Collard is one of my life-long friends. We cruised many back roads in his vintage ‘70 Mustang “back in the day.” Professionally, he has driven a truck over-the-road for as long as I can remember. Too many long roads have given him time to overthink everything and hone his outspoken, independent, hell-bent attitude. With a little coaxing I convinced him to share some of his writing with me to publish here. When not on the road he spends a lot of weekends spoiling his six grandkids and anxiously awaiting the arrival of the seventh.