Alone?

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Feeling alone even in a crowded room. What exactly does that mean? I often wonder just how many people feel the same way?

Most of the time it doesn’t matter who I’m with, but to feel that way amongst the supposed most important person in my life, it really does make me think. At one time there was such a connection with this person that no one could sever that link.

Now after all these years, it’s difficult for me to even want to feel it. I’m not sure it’s ever going to be allowed to make any impression on me at all. It’s hard for me to admit. And I know this phrase is hated by many‑“it is what it is,” but “it is what it is.”

Thru my life I’ve been in and out of relationships. Most were started with the mindset that there was no way it was ever going to last—a mutual feeling shared by myself and the other person involved. But some were started with forever in mind. Some of the most thoughts and memories I revisit are of the relationships I thought would really last—the ones I really wanted to last. Isn’t that what most single/its complicated people do? For whatever reason each one ran their respected courses and ended in a heap of sadness and pain. I could go into each one, but then again I really do not want to relive the mistakes and stupidity of why they ended.

If I was being honest with myself I probably would admit half were started under stressful situations and obviously those types of beginnings never last. Rushing and starting in the middle is a stupid way to begin a healthy relationship.

The other half being started the so-called correct way were, just not meant to be. This is more than likely a cop-out excuse. Hell, I don’t know, maybe I’m just too set in my ways and I’m supposed to be single and alone. This brings me back to my original point—feeling alone even in a crowded room. It’s a cliche’, but it’s also a true definitive statement.

Most of the time I get lost in my own head. It seems over the years I believe I’m the smartest person in the room—obviously I’m not. But as hard as I try to realize that, I always come to the same conclusion.

Maybe it’s because other people bore me. Maybe it’s because other people are too set in their ways and set with their ideas and just tend to not make sense to me. Either way it’s a problem for me; I understand that. Even with that understanding, I don’t really care. Being in the “it’s complicated” relationship I’m in with that one person I once thought I couldn’t be separated from, I’m still bored. Things still don’t make sense to me. And the worst thing is I still don’t care. This causes me to get lost in my own head and stay there. I’m not sure my own head is a healthy place to be, but I go there most times and force myself to stay.

I often wonder if it’s a safe place to be. But saying that, I could be asking myself if my mind is dangerous. It’s a constant struggle to separate the good thoughts from the bad ones. And let’s face it, the bad thoughts are the ones that tend to torture us, right? The battle of good over evil; evil over good; but even the bad or evil thoughts are easier for me to deal with than the actual person sitting across the room from me. That’s not how it’s supposed to be, is it? No need to answer, I know the answer and I know exactly what happens.

I hope no one else is like this. But I would be pretty naive to think I’m the only one who thinks this way or puts themselves into this internal seclusion.

Feeling alone even in a crowded room. This is my definition and my struggle.


Mike-Michael Collard is one of my life-long friends. We cruised many back roads in his vintage ‘70 Mustang “back in the day.” Professionally, he has driven a truck over-the-road for as long as I can remember. Too many long roads have given him time to overthink everything and hone his outspoken, independent, hell-bent attitude. With a little coaxing I convinced him to share some of his writing with me to publish here. When not on the road he spends a lot of weekends spoiling his six grandkids and anxiously awaiting the arrival of the seventh.

Thinking out loud.

Writer3a_writing_BnWThis space has been neglected lately, and I have no good excuse. Last night I was talking to a dear friend after reading a great short story he had written and sent me. I was going on and on about how he should start blogging (and he should). But then I realized I hadn’t written anything of substance in a long, long time.

I’ve been uninspired, whiney, lazy and kind of in a transition period. I’m not unhappy, just ungrounded right now. I’m hoping a road trip will fix some of this, but I’m responsible for the rest.

I have forgotten lately what is really important—me. I pointed aforementioned friend to this post I wrote back in January and I guess I needed to reread it. It is spot on. I don’t think I have ever written anything more true about myself, and I have written a lot of sappy, sentimental, sad and happy stuff about me—both good and bad.

I had forgotten that I want to be writer when I grow up. Now is the time to grow up. I have the time, I have the inspiration and I have no excuses.

I also talked to him about great writing prompts. I have been ignoring mine. I have said a hundred times, “I should write about this,” and then never do. That changes today. I am making the commitment to write something every single day. They won’t all be masterpieces, but they will be words on a page, and that is progress. I even bought an actual journal and new pen for those times when “old school” is the inspiration.

We also talked about edits. I know he has a lot of great stuff he has written over the years and I am anxious/excited to read and edit for him. Sometimes I think I am a better editor than writer. I had a great teacher. My mom was my editor for 15+ years, and she was (and still is) brutal. I may have to dig out my AP style book. I wonder what box that is packed away in?

My friend may not realize what he has started. He may have a best seller buried in his piles of words. And I’m hoping he lets me post some of his stories here.  He also produces some killer poetry I would love to publish here too. Like I mentioned before, I haven’t written anything of substance here in a very long time and I am totally going to use him and our conversations as writing prompts from time to time. (Hope he doesn’t mind.) I’m glad he has trusted me with his work and I hope I don’t let him down.

Today I’m going to pay attention to my surroundings, laugh, maybe cry, learn something new and get the rest of my bag packed for an epic road trip. What are you going to write about today?
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Holding a ghost.

Sometimes a song hits me hard, and this one just did.

So I’m not supposed to love you no more
I guess I’m not supposed to care
I held you so close, now I’m holding a ghost
How can love just disappear?
And where does it go when it’s over?
I know that it’s somewhere out here

Has anybody seen all my wasted love?
I’ve been down every street, no, I won’t give up
If I have to die trying to justify, that’s how it’s gonna be
Has anybody seen all my wasted love?

It’s late, I’m drunk and I’m running on empty tonight
Baby, I’m chasing my shadow around
Like smoke cigarettes I inhale these regrets
I can’t change what I’ve become
There’s pain and there’s glory, but this is my story
I’m asking everyone

Has anybody seen all my wasted love?
I’ve been down every street, no, I won’t give up
If I have to die let to justify, that’s how it’s gonna be
Has anybody seen all my wasted love?

Knocking down doors and I’m pounding the pavement
Lie at your mercy, will somebody save me? Save me?

Has anybody seen all my wasted love?
I’ve been down every street, no, I won’t give up
If I have to die let me testify, that’s how it’s gonna be
Has anybody seen all my wasted love?

Bring it back to me, all my wasted love.

 

The one that got away.

PinkLast night I was watching Pink, Live in London on the big screen, by myself, while I attempted to write something of substance. Pink is on my top 10 of favorite female musical artists list. She is an incredible writer and her vocals are fantastic. She also puts on a good show. “The One That Got Away” was in her set list and although I have heard it a hundred times, this one time it made one solitary tear tumble down my left cheek. I don’t know why it hit me so hard this time and not all the others, but it did. And today I am watching “Practical Magic” (one of my favorite movies) against my better judgement. I don’t believe in fairy tales or happy endings, yet today they seem to be foremost in my mind.

[Sally’s letter to Gillian] Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.

You were mine
In the back of my mind
Oh just for one night
Just for a while

You were mine
Somewhere in time
I’ll look for you first
In my next life

I had a dream of us hugging last night. I woke up and could feel you, smell you, see you.
Always,
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GaGa over GaGa.

GaGa_and_JulieAndrews
Lady GaGa and Julie Andrews, Oscars 2015. A perfect moment captured after a beautiful performance.

OK, I will admit it, I had never really gave Lady GaGa a second thought. I just assumed she was all hype, meat dresses and made up weirdness. I never thought about her musical talent. Then there was the Oscars on Sunday. Wow! She sang a medley of songs from one of my favorite childhood movies, The Sound of Music, and just absolutely nailed it. Her pitch was perfect, she looked beautiful and her sound just almost took my breathe away. So then I decided I should maybe listen to some of her stuff and instantly fell in love with this. I love music with a message. She may have jumpstarted my creative juices, which have needed a swift kick in the ass lately. I have been somewhat paralyzed lately and being around and influenced by creative people feels great. It’s nice to be reminded that we artists may be an eclectic bunch, but we are true to ourselves. I don’t know how to be anybody but me, no matter what anybody else thinks. No apologies for being me. I’m single, white and straight, but that doesn’t mean I am the only one born perfect.  “I’m beautiful in my way, ’cause God makes no mistakes.” Thanks GaGa.

Born This Way (The Country Road Version)

It doesn’t matter if you love him or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
‘Cause you were born this way, baby

My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir

There’s nothin’ wrong with lovin’ who you are
She said, ’cause He made you perfect, babe
So hold your head up,
girl and you’ll go far
Listen to me when I say

I’m beautiful in my way
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don’t hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way, born this way

Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way

Don’t be a drag, just be a queen
Don’t be a drag, just be a queen
Don’t be a drag, just be a queen
Don’t be

Give yourself prudence and love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice of truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M
I love my life, I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah

I’m beautiful in my way,
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don’t hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way

Don’t be drag, just be a queen
Whether you’re broke or evergreen
You’re black, white, beige, chola descent
You’re Lebanese, you’re orient

Whether life’s disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
‘Cause baby, you were born this way

No matter gay, straight or bi
Lesbian, transgendered life
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born to survive

No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave

I’m beautiful in my way
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don’t hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way, yeah

Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way
I was born this way, hey
I was born this way, hey
I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way, hey

I was born this way, hey
I was born this way, hey
I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way, hey

Read more:  Lady GaGa – Born This Way Lyrics | MetroLyrics

What is real?

There will always been room for your hand in mine.
There will always be room for your hand in mine.

I have been trying to distinguish the difference between real and fake. Recently, my memories may be altered, I may not be remembering things as they actually were. And I have no way to know for sure. I am sad that what I remember may not be real. I want my memories back.

I have watched way too much TV lately. I’m late to the game, but am absolutely obsessed with “The Walking Dead” and of course Saul afterwards. I have rewatched every single episode of “Covert Affairs”, and only one person knows why. I have also been watching Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In, which has improved my mood tremendously. I had forgotten how funny and cutting edge they were for 1968-1972. Goldie Hawn was/is so beautiful and her role was priceless.

The weather has been horrible here. Southern Illinois and Western Kentucky has turned into a deep freeze. Bitter, bitter cold has paralyzed the region and me too. I have taken a few days to regroup at my folks’. And that seems to have helped a bit. At least I’m writing again. Brandon is hopefully going to bring me my sketchbook and pencils tomorrow morning.

I have downloaded A LOT of music too. It has been a challenge to keep my iPod charged up. Some days I listen to all hair bands, other times it’s all tear-jerking, sappy, cheesy love songs. What can I say? I’m diverse. Song lyrics are the accompaniment to my life. (#80 of My 100). And why have I just discovered the greatness that is Pandora? I have been missing out.

I have also been busy buying stuff for Andy and getting licensing, merchandise, etc ready for Kentucky. We have also spent many nights after 9 pm just laughing at whatever we were watching on TV and eating delicious food he makes. To say he has a very special place in my heart is an understatement. I have had a lot of diversions lately and he has tried his best to keep me on track. Sometime he wins and sometimes he doesn’t.

My latest technical battle has been with an iPhone 5C. This particular phone is somewhat of an oddity. It’s CDMA and GSM. Alltel was the last carrier, which is CDMA. I unlocked GSM part, but the CDMA is giving me fits. I really think a hammer is the only option. Matt and Ashley are my two new friends at Apple and we have been talking almost daily for the past week. They are learning as much from me as I am from them. I have also changed out the hard drive in my MacBook Pro and have been loading software for the past two days. I have upgraded my Creative Suite to CC and I haven’t had a chance to really use it and decide if I like it or not. Right now I am downloading a copy of Windows to install on my Mac. I used Boot Camp a few years back to do this for a friend of mine, but I am not really feeling it for me. The only reason I am corrupting my Mac is because so much CDMA software is PC and also since Apple released the 8.1.3 OS update for iPhone, I haven’t been able to jailbreak my phone, and I hear though the grapevine that there is a PC way to do this. We shall see.

Always,
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Distracted.

I will admit it, I have been distracted lately by things that don’t matter. The Tina and Saul drama doesn’t affect me in any way, so I should just quit thinking about it and let law enforcement do it’s job.

Witnessing horrible relationships have made me appreciate the great ones I have in my life. I have some amazing friends who swarm in when they need to. They never judge and they truly understand unconditional love. And I love them too. And I think I have finally convinced my heart to listen to my brain for once. They say that the best comes from the worst and that is where I am putting my faith right now. So far it’s working, and if it doesn’t, I’m OK with that too.

This has been a long week. I have more questions than answers and I wonder just how much of everything I have been told is a lie. Just because I don’t respond doesn’t mean I don’t care, it just means I can’t. I can’t because it will only make things worse. I will not relax my morals. I will not relax my standards. And I definitely will not sacrifice my happiness. Things are going too well for me right now to get off track and confuse real love for fake love. I like everything real and that is where I am going to stay.

There is no room in my life for fake anything. I work hard, play hard and love hard. And so far, this chapter has the makings of the best one yet. And, I let him hold my hand. Yep, that’s progress.
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