Back at it.

I’ve walked away from this so many times, and then walked back. I have a bad habit of only writing when I’m sad or upset. Well, I’m both sad and upset.

As much as try to stay away from drama, I have some drama that has been following me for more than four years. I should have went to the police a long time ago, but I just signed the formal complaint this past Friday, after talking to the PD for almost a week.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I had private pictures texted to me from an all too familiar number that I have never called one time and that I definitely never sent personal photos too. Please don’t lecture me about this. I know I shouldn’t have sent them to him, no matter how much I trusted him. I have never sent them to anyone else in my life, and now I know why.

But there is so much more to this than the photos. I believed him when he said he was done with her. I believed him when he told me he loved me. I believed him when he told me he felt sorry for her and she needed a job and he needed the help. I believed him when he said he had never given her access to his phone or anything else. I believed him when he said to be patient. I shouldn’t have.

For years she has tracked his phone, recorded our conversations and then tried to blame me for it, with some success. He sat at my mom and dad’s kitchen table and told my mom that the FBI was recording us and a friend was sending the recordings to protect him from me. That was a total made-up lie. The crazy stalker had simply put an app on his phone. The PD told me all about how this works. Even one of her friends told him she was doing it. I thought it would stop after that. But he told me recently that it had not.

I can’t even remember how many times I have changed my phone number in the past four years. I don’t know how many months we went without speaking and he told me old recordings would still pop up. It it legal in Illinois to record video of someone, but illegal to record someone’s voice without their permission. Thanks for the Carmi PD for informing me.

After the pictures started coming to me last week I got really, really mad. I got so mad that it clouded my judgement. I made threats to him that I shouldn’t have. Although everything I posted on Facebook and sent to him was true, I should have just kept them to myself. I made the threats public because I thought if I would hurt him and she knew it, then she would stop, even though I had no plans of ever going thru with them. I got the last picture last Monday, but I’m still actively working with the police to prosecute her.

She has hijacked my life. They both have. I don’t know exactly what’s going on between them, and don’t want to know. It’s not about that. Sure I’m hearbroke, but now I feel violated.

I’m not going to quit until the truth comes out. I need that for my own satisfaction. It may take a week, it may take a month, it may take a year. I don’t care. It will come out.

The quote, “the truth is the truth no matter who believes it,” has kept me going for years, but now it means so much more.

 

The dream, continued.

It’s cold outside, but not too cold to dream.

I have spent a lot of time away from home the past few months. Things have been crazy. Trying to do the right thing when the right thing isn’t obvious has been exhausting at times. But, I’m not giving up. Life goes on and with all the lows, there have been lots of highs too.

I have learned I am stronger than I think, my friends and family are my greatest assets even from afar and I am getting really close to the dream. Although I am spending way too much time in the Metro, I have spent some pretty great days down South. South is my dream that has kept me going for years. And having someone to take with me is part of the dream too.

Living the dream will take hard work, patience and more hard work. This country girl has spent too many years in the big city and I’m ready to put on my work boots and get out of the office. I have spent too many hours dreaming, collecting floor plans, design ideas and techniques and watching too many Holmes on Homes and other HGTV shows—now I’m ready to put it to practical use. I have never been afraid of hard work and although I may be over 40, my body can still handle manual labor.

I have always taken care of myself. I’m not going to say I haven’t had help from time to time from my friends and family, but it’s always just been me and my boys. I know I wasn’t a perfect mother, but they know I love them and I always tried my best. And sometimes I know my best just wasn’t enough.

I am so ready to get back to basics. I want to wake up every morning beside the one I love, make coffee, drink coffee and start my day. I want to live my life with the stereotypical gender roles. This goes against everything I have lived for the past 20+ years, but it’s what I want now. I still want to work and make my own money, but I also want to maintain our home, cook for him and take care of him. I want him to take care of me too. I want him to pump my gas (he doesn’t have to pay, just pump), take out the garbage, be patient with me as I learn to mow with a zero turn, hold my hand and kiss my forehead. I want to cook his favorite meals and sometimes I want him to cook a perfect medium rare steak on the grill for me.

I want him to roll over in the middle of the night and reach for me like I reach for him. I want to fall asleep on his chest as the sound of his snoring sings me to sleep. A big bed with us curled up like napping cats is my definition of perfect.

I can’t wait to hear the water every single day. Weekends at the Lake are just not enough. I want—no, I have to—be there every single day. The search is on for the perfect lake house. I have been looking for years, but now it’s serious. I’m done saying, “some day.” I’m doing it now. My household is already packed up and in storage waiting to be moved.

The go button has been pushed, let’s make this dream happen.
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Dear unrequited love.

Dear Unrequited Love,purple_hearts_by_rockleefreak13-d56vlqw

Thank you.

I finally got to the point where I can see that I have to let you go, or I’ll just end up destroying myself.

But even though I feel like I am losing someone I never had, I have to let you know all the things you taught me while I loved you from the distance, eagerly waiting that something would happen, that maybe, someday you might be able to see that I was the one to make you happy. But now, after I literally poured my heart out in front of you, I am now ready to love myself, and put it right back to where it belongs.

Thank you for making me a dreamer. A daydreamer mostly, who smiled in the car ride all alone imagining all of the possible scenarios of how you would realize you loved me too. How we both were going to kiss passionately under the rain, we would have endless conversations, laugh eternally, and be happy.

I was going to be so happy because somehow I rescued you and you saved me too. And finally I was going to feel at peace because I knew I at least had you, not like it has been this whole time feeling like I’m trying to reach the unreachable. How I had to be so careful to not destroy what little we had. But anyway, you made me a wanderer, a soul that could escape at anytime so I could connect with you in some other world.

I am now a better artist. I can write ten times more than what I used to. I can find more ways to try to describe all of the things you made me feel in one minute. How I could be at the top of the world, for some stupid thing you said, and then in the blink of an eye a tear came down through my face because I had to face the truth. And this happened millions of times, I had to deal with the fact that you were never going to see me the way I saw you. It hurt so so bad, the problem was I didn’t want to get used to that idea.

Now I can dance more truthfully to my feelings, I can show passion in my movements, and I can create new stories within music just because of you. Everything I felt for you was so raw and childish maybe, and I am not a good speaker (I hope you know that) so, I found writing my way to love you more, to hate you, to want you, and now, to let you go. You made me better at what I love doing. There has been and always will be a piece of you in everything I do.

You made me a better listener to my inner world, more sensitive to myself, now I feel like everything gets to me, and even more when it has to do with you.

Every time I saw you wanting someone else, I could feel how the walls that kept my lungs together crumbled down and left me breathless. Hoping that you would rescue me, but fighting the pain of knowing that you won’t. I felt really empty, worthless because I had always been there for you and you were never really there for me. But that’s ok.

Because you also taught me that I could save myself, that I didn’t need you at all. How important it actually is to love myself first and know when to walk away. It took me more than two years to understand that but I am finally here, taking care of myself.

Sometimes when people are in love with someone they can’t have, there is something strangely enjoyable in the waiting, in the pain of holding on there is something to enjoy too. Because there is hope, because even if you know it will never happen, there is always the chance that it might. So it keeps you hanging. And you taught me what hope really is, you taught me to fly and detach myself from reality and in the end you taught me how to land to.

At first, every time I had to come back to reality I just crushed against the earth, leaving me wounds that will leave scars forever. But today, I could land softly, gently surrendering to what my eyes saw but my heart didn’t believe, and my mind knew was true.

And finally, you taught me how to treasure moments and remember. Oh boy, I do remember everything you said, did and move when I was with you. You were my true love. And you’ll forever be my true love as much as it hurts, I am happy it was you and no one else. Because I thought you were worthy to my lips, and all what I have to give to you. Maybe I am just happy that I now have a reason to keep you inside of me, in the deep ocean of memories a woman holds forever. Now you are there.

And even if it is tearing me apart to let you go, now I know how to fix myself, how to heal, and I know it won’t be easy, or quick. This phrase truly shows how I feel about letting you go, how it is to me saying goodbye to someone who was mine for a few minutes.

I hope that one day, I’ll find someone who loves me as much as I loved you.

XOXOXO,
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Epic fail.

So, today my web servers crashed. Of course, the last backup was July 11, 2016, so I lost quite a few great posts from the past two months. I called out the creepers from Charleston with screenshots, talked about how great my friends and family are and then wrote about my boycott of Facebook, just to name a few. I also had to redesign a few elements I have previously changed. Like a broken record I exclaim, “don’t forget to do backups.” I’m guilty of the pot calling the kettle black on this one.

I have to write about my squad again. They have came to me, protected me, listened to me, tried their best to help me and were just generally great. My squad is 10+ years strong and these special people are my greatest assets. There is not anything they would ask me to do that I wouldn’t do for them. They epitomize unconditional love. It’s strange how until 2 months ago they had all never been in the same room together. But they all showed up at The Four Seasons August 10th and they have been as close to each other as they have always been to me. With all the crap, seeing my people come together has been a positive in this sea of negative.

Rockin' my 'Listener of the Day' t-shirt, 9-23-16.
Rockin’ my ‘Listener of the Day’ t-shirt, 9-23-16.

It was fun to take them out on the town and really show them a small glimpse of my world in the big city. They had all visited in the past, but never as a group. Our only worries that night was where everyone was going to sleep and what to order from room service. I voted for pizza from down the street and Bud Lite, but in the end, there was pizza, Chinese, a little Thai, a few burgers and fries and lots of wine and beer. The girls all thought I had lost my mind for drinking Bud Light when they know my choice is Coors Light. They know my heart was still bruised and sometimes my emotions override my brain. I am sentimental from time to time. A boy in Albion broke my heart, and I’m still not completely over it.

In the midst of all the craziness I have still been extremely busy. I have reconnected with some business folks and everything seems to be working out pretty well. I haven’t found a permanent gig yet, but the offers are sitting there just waiting on me to make a decision. It has turned out to be a harder than I anticipated. But with a lot of thought, a little prayer and listening to the advise of the squad, I’m getting closer to making a choice.

I have also gotten to mark two different items off my bucket list. First, I was chosen as KSHE 95’s ‘Listener of the Day’ September 23, 2016. This has been on my list for quite some time, and now I can join the ranks of one of my BFFs who also held the title back in November 2015. And then I had the privilege of being on the field at Busch Stadium taking pics of the St. Louis Cardinals. Yeah, two bucket list items in less than 30 days = winning for now.

The next few weeks are going to be hard. Lawyers are involved, lots of money will exchange hands, a move will be made and life-changing events will take place. But I have my family, my squad and my faith in myself to get me through.

I still dream of the lake almost every single night. I didn’t get to spend near enough weekends there this year. Patience is there waiting on me and an empty lot is waiting on my pole barn house to be built. It will come in time.
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Locked up tight.

LockedHeartI’m single. Yep, I’m a 44-year-old single woman. I have been single for a long, long time. And I probably will be for a long, long time to come. I didn’t consciously make the decision to be single, it’s more like I have just became accustomed to it.

I will be the first to admit I am hard to love. I am too much for most men to handle. I am fiercely independent, but want a boy to hold my hand. I have plenty of my own money, but my heart will melt when presented with a heartfelt gift—no matter what the cost. Sometimes I get wrapped up in a project and will forget about everything and everybody. I forget my cell phone, but go into a panic if I can’t get the boy on the phone. I am over confident, but sometimes I am paralyzed by self-doubt. I’m cool with a bologna sandwich, sweatpants and no shoes, but other times I want black tie and linen napkins. I am a barrel of contradictions.

I have recently spent a lot of time getting to know myself again. I had forgotten who I was. I have been spending time trying to figure out the balance of fun and work. I have been cooking more, spending time not being a hermit and trying not to do anything stupid. I have sat on my hands to keep myself in check.

But even tho I am strong—really strong, I still get lonely. It’s the little things I miss. I miss having someone to eat supper with. I miss simple conversation. I miss his melodies to my harmonies. I miss hearing the alarm, waking up and realizing I am not alone in a big bed. It’s been a long time since I shared a bed, or anything else with a boy, but now I might be ready to try again.

I guess I have had my heart locked up for too long and now it wants out. No one is more surprised than me. I have kept it too guarded and never revealed all of myself to anyone. Maybe that’s my major life mistake. I have never trusted enough to show myself entirely to someone. Maybe I never will. But at least now I’m ready to try.
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Open road.

NewYork

There is a certain intimacy between two people when they ride in a truck together for four days straight. Long conversations were had, confessions were made, secrets were shared and there were also some great political debates. We are both smart enough to appreciate our differences. And talking about the past—our failures, successes, heartbreak, love and everything else in between felt good.

I have always claimed to be an open book. And that is not inaccurate. But I don’t volunteer a lot of what I consider personal info about myself. If asked about something directly, I will always tell the truth, just maybe not the entire story. There has always been a part of me that has stayed hidden.

Now, I feel the wall coming down. I haven’t revealed everything in my soul, but I now feel safe if I want to. Life slowed down for four days, although the days seem to have flown by. I actually had time to think. My phone didn’t ring much, I wasn’t at my overflowing desk, and I had no interruptions. It made me realize there are a lot of things I want to say, when the time is right.

I have decisions to make. Some of them are pretty big. I have always trusted my gut. Sometimes this has been an asset and sometimes not. My instinct has sometimes let me down. In recent years I have tried to make decisions with no emotion. But right now, I think I should let my heart back into the equation.

I have stopped worrying about the future. I know it’s cliché, but whatever is meant to be will find a way. I have to force myself to remember I am only responsible for my own happiness—everybody else is on their own. Of course seeing the people I care about happy, makes me happy, but they need to make their own happiness. I also have to be reminded that when the people I love are hurting, I have to let them find their own way. I have to let them make their own decisions, even if I think they are wrong.

Sometimes screwed up circumstances bring people closer together. Dealing with problems with a partner sometimes makes them easier to handle. No one should have to face hard times alone, unless they want to. A cure for a seemingly impossible situation can be solved, or at least made easier, with the support of someone who cares. Having a sounding board is always a good thing too.

I’m ready to get back in the truck again, but my day job will probably prevent it for at least a few weeks. But my laundry is done and my bag is repacked, and who knows, maybe I might get back on the road again sooner than expected, it all depends on the decisions I make.

A wall comes down. True and pure love between friends is the best kind.
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Holding a ghost.

Sometimes a song hits me hard, and this one just did.

So I’m not supposed to love you no more
I guess I’m not supposed to care
I held you so close, now I’m holding a ghost
How can love just disappear?
And where does it go when it’s over?
I know that it’s somewhere out here

Has anybody seen all my wasted love?
I’ve been down every street, no, I won’t give up
If I have to die trying to justify, that’s how it’s gonna be
Has anybody seen all my wasted love?

It’s late, I’m drunk and I’m running on empty tonight
Baby, I’m chasing my shadow around
Like smoke cigarettes I inhale these regrets
I can’t change what I’ve become
There’s pain and there’s glory, but this is my story
I’m asking everyone

Has anybody seen all my wasted love?
I’ve been down every street, no, I won’t give up
If I have to die let to justify, that’s how it’s gonna be
Has anybody seen all my wasted love?

Knocking down doors and I’m pounding the pavement
Lie at your mercy, will somebody save me? Save me?

Has anybody seen all my wasted love?
I’ve been down every street, no, I won’t give up
If I have to die let me testify, that’s how it’s gonna be
Has anybody seen all my wasted love?

Bring it back to me, all my wasted love.

 

The one that got away.

PinkLast night I was watching Pink, Live in London on the big screen, by myself, while I attempted to write something of substance. Pink is on my top 10 of favorite female musical artists list. She is an incredible writer and her vocals are fantastic. She also puts on a good show. “The One That Got Away” was in her set list and although I have heard it a hundred times, this one time it made one solitary tear tumble down my left cheek. I don’t know why it hit me so hard this time and not all the others, but it did. And today I am watching “Practical Magic” (one of my favorite movies) against my better judgement. I don’t believe in fairy tales or happy endings, yet today they seem to be foremost in my mind.

[Sally’s letter to Gillian] Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.

You were mine
In the back of my mind
Oh just for one night
Just for a while

You were mine
Somewhere in time
I’ll look for you first
In my next life

I had a dream of us hugging last night. I woke up and could feel you, smell you, see you.
Always,
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Distracted.

I will admit it, I have been distracted lately by things that don’t matter. The Tina and Saul drama doesn’t affect me in any way, so I should just quit thinking about it and let law enforcement do it’s job.

Witnessing horrible relationships have made me appreciate the great ones I have in my life. I have some amazing friends who swarm in when they need to. They never judge and they truly understand unconditional love. And I love them too. And I think I have finally convinced my heart to listen to my brain for once. They say that the best comes from the worst and that is where I am putting my faith right now. So far it’s working, and if it doesn’t, I’m OK with that too.

This has been a long week. I have more questions than answers and I wonder just how much of everything I have been told is a lie. Just because I don’t respond doesn’t mean I don’t care, it just means I can’t. I can’t because it will only make things worse. I will not relax my morals. I will not relax my standards. And I definitely will not sacrifice my happiness. Things are going too well for me right now to get off track and confuse real love for fake love. I like everything real and that is where I am going to stay.

There is no room in my life for fake anything. I work hard, play hard and love hard. And so far, this chapter has the makings of the best one yet. And, I let him hold my hand. Yep, that’s progress.
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