I’ve walked away from this so many times, and then walked back. I have a bad habit of only writing when I’m sad or upset. Well, I’m both sad and upset.

As much as try to stay away from drama, I have some drama that has been following me for more than four years. I should have went to the police a long time ago, but I just signed the formal complaint this past Friday, after talking to the PD for almost a week.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I had private pictures texted to me from an all too familiar number that I have never called one time and that I definitely never sent personal photos too. Please don’t lecture me about this. I know I shouldn’t have sent them to him, no matter how much I trusted him. I have never sent them to anyone else in my life, and now I know why.

But there is so much more to this than the photos. I believed him when he said he was done with her. I believed him when he told me he loved me. I believed him when he told me he felt sorry for her and she needed a job and he needed the help. I believed him when he said he had never given her access to his phone or anything else. I believed him when he said to be patient. I shouldn’t have.

For years she has tracked his phone, recorded our conversations and then tried to blame me for it, with some success. He sat at my mom and dad’s kitchen table and told my mom that the FBI was recording us and a friend was sending the recordings to protect him from me. That was a total made-up lie. The crazy stalker had simply put an app on his phone. The PD told me all about how this works. Even one of her friends told him she was doing it. I thought it would stop after that. But he told me recently that it had not.

I can’t even remember how many times I have changed my phone number in the past four years. I don’t know how many months we went without speaking and he told me old recordings would still pop up. It it legal in Illinois to record video of someone, but illegal to record someone’s voice without their permission. Thanks for the Carmi PD for informing me.

After the pictures started coming to me last week I got really, really mad. I got so mad that it clouded my judgement. I made threats to him that I shouldn’t have. Although everything I posted on Facebook and sent to him was true, I should have just kept them to myself. I made the threats public because I thought if I would hurt him and she knew it, then she would stop, even though I had no plans of ever going thru with them. I got the last picture last Monday, but I’m still actively working with the police to prosecute her.

She has hijacked my life. They both have. I don’t know exactly what’s going on between them, and don’t want to know. It’s not about that. Sure I’m hearbroke, but now I feel violated.

I’m not going to quit until the truth comes out. I need that for my own satisfaction. It may take a week, it may take a month, it may take a year. I don’t care. It will come out.

The quote, “the truth is the truth no matter who believes it,” has kept me going for years, but now it means so much more.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions. –Unknown

I have been really, really struggling with patience lately. I have been told to be patient. I know I should be patient. I am not patient. Sure, I have A LOT of questions rolling around in my head (especially when I am trying to sleep). And I have always been a girl of action. But right now I am inactive. My hands have been tied (metaphorically) and I can do nothing about it except wait. And then wait some more. And then I might even have to wait a little bit longer.

I have started questioning all my goals, all my values, all that I believe to be true. I have started questioning loyalty, privacy (or just the idea of it) and especially solitude. Not only is this going on in my professional life, but it’s also going on in my private life too.

I always thought I knew what I wanted. I have been paying my penance to hopefully achieve this happiness for at least a decade. I wonder when it will ever be enough. I wonder if it really is what I want now. The right thing is never the easiest (No. 29). But lately I can’t even seem to distinguish between right and wrong. And I don’t know who can tell me the difference.

I have worked hard, played hard and loved hard. Scratch that. I have worked hard, played hard and almost loved hard. I have put up a wall around me I’m not letting anybody in. It’s been up for awhile. I have been around my parents too much lately. Their love story is epic and I am jealous of it every single day.

Sometimes a hug from my best friend makes everything better. It helped a little bit today. It also helped that he let me ramble on, cry, moan, whine, state the facts, rant and then rant some more and then cry again. And he never once judged me. He just listened and then told me to get up tomorrow and try again. I think I will take his advise….again.