I am always busy—I mean really busy. But right now I am extra busy. For the first time in a very long time I am making my personal life a priority. I didn’t realize how hard it would be. It’s hard to walk away from my desk when I know there are unfinished projects. But I’m doing it, I’m walking away sometimes.
That’s not to say that my projects aren’t getting done, because they are. But there has been a lot of late night computing going on. Sacrificing my sleep is a small price to pay.
My friends have been commenting about a goofy grin on my face for no reason. I know the reason, he has a name. My friends know his name, but I haven’t filled them on the rest. He knows how to make me smile—a lot. My friends have seen me go thru my share of boys, but they have never seen me like this so they don’t even think my man has anything to do with it. I’m gonna let my friends speculate for a little while longer. They are all full of questions about anything and everything trying to figure out what is going on with me. And I am not giving anything up and giving vague answers to probing questions. It’s driving them all crazy, but I’m having fun with it.
Maybe this goes back to a previous post I wrote about how I never write about the happy things in my life out of fear that they may disappear. Well, now it changes. I’m writing about it and it’s not going to disappear.
This is the end of a letter I wrote to my boy that I have loved for more than 15 years. The first few paragraphs were just facts and figures about a few job offers I have gotten in the past few weeks.
…But who cares anything about all that. I’ll always have a job, I will always be able to pay my bills and have some left over. I’ve worked hard, I mean really hard for the last 10 years, and I know that’s not really very long. But I have made a point of pushing every boy away from me, always. But now I want it. Why give up on something I’ve dreamed of for so many years. I’ll wait. I won’t wait forever, but I will wait for awhile.
I lied to you yesterday. I am in love with you, I’ve been in love with you too many years to stop now. And you know what, this may work and it may not. But I am sure the hell not gonna make this a low priority when it is a high priority. Don’t panic. I haven’t went off the deep end. And I am sure the hell not trying to pressure you. I’m saying, you are a priority to me, a very high priority to me and I’m going to give this situation and you the attention and care that it deserves. You make me happy, a happy I had thought I would never have again. I’m happy when I’m with you, I’m happy when I talk to you, I’m happy when I just think about you. So here is what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna love you; and I’m gonna live every day to the fullest and I’m gonna spend as much time with you as I can; I’m gonna cry when you leave and I’m gonna smile when you call; I’m gonna be unreasonable at times and it’s gonna make you crazy and then sometimes I’m gonna be awesome and you are gonna wonder how you are ever going to let me go; I’m gonna be unapologetically me and I’m not gonna stop trying to prove I’m the one for you.
I have told you things this past month that I would never admit to anyone else. You have scared the bejesus out of me on so many levels—and it’s awesome. You have inspired me, you have cured my writer’s block and made me believe that I could actually finish my novel, you have even made me really look at my bottom line. You made me dream about the future—my future. I have just been going thru the motions for too long. Time for some passion, time for some fun, time to trust, time to just shut up and kiss me. And then kiss me again. Now kiss me again.
And when I do finish my first novel the last line will read, “and they lived happily ever after”—even if they aren’t together. They are happy because even if their love affair failed, their love for each other never will.