Category: Love

Uncensored.

Sometimes I actually have to dress up for work and not wear pajamas. This makes my feet hurt and me cranky.
Sometimes I actually have to dress up for work and not wear pajamas. This makes my feet hurt and me cranky.

Every blogger I know has had a moment in their blogging life that makes them question every single thing they have posted. Now, I can add myself to the list. I made a commitment to myself when I started writing years ago (at my old gribco blog, which I have deleted)  I would not censor myself. Well, now I am censoring myself. Don’t ask why, because I can’t answer honestly. Just know there is a large part of my life that I will not be writing about ever again. My love life is off limits. Oh sure, my love life is very interesting, but there is actually a lot more going on with me outside the bedroom too. Plus, my love story is novel epic, so I’m going to save it for hard copy.

First, I signed a HUGE contract this past Friday. Second, I have another HUGE contract I may get next Thursday. Third, I have an unbelievable chance to do some kickass writing for a major midwest newspaper, and will be spending a few days with them next week. When I get a byline there, I can make another check off of my bucket list. Don’t worry, I will post it here when I do. Fourth, I have to finally have surgery on my shoulder. Compression fractures in my back + pinched nerves + degenerative cysts = pain for the past 10+ years. It has finally come to a head and in a few weeks I will probably be going under the knife. I’m scared, of course. But it’s my left shoulder, so I won’t be totally helpless for long and I have some great friends that are going to take care of me. I plan to do a lot of writing in the two weeks following surgery, so watch out because some may be drug induced. Could be very interesting.

As much as I have made a lot of my personal life public here, when someone unwanted reads it I feel violated. I have caught myself almost writing to the creeper. That stops after today. Someone inconsequential will not control how I write or my writing process. (Hey creeper, this is the last time I will ever think of you, or your desperate attempt to control a situation that is none of your business.) This is the one and only time I will ever let you into this blog. Get over it. Move on. Leave me alone. If you need something to read I can Google some mental illness websites that might help with your self-diagnosis.

Sorry, that needed to be said.

I have worked from my home office for the past 14+ years and the dress code is pretty lax. Well, right now I have been venturing out and drumming up some business and that requires some better attire. I’m not really thrilled about having to get “made up” almost every day for the past week and probably for a few more weeks to come, but it will be worth it. And hopefully my feet can get used to wearing my “ass kicking” heals again.
Sig

If I didn’t have you.

Sometimes it feels like, I’m gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.

This life would kill me If I didn’t have you
I couldn’t live without you baby
I wouldn’t want to
If you didn’t love me so much
I’d never make it through
‘Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn’t have you.

You are my heart, every breath I breathe
I’m safe in your arms, you rescue me.
When I’m weak, you’re strong
If you were gone I don’t know where I’d be
You were made for me
(You were made for me)

This life would kill me If I didn’t have you
I couldn’t live without you baby
I wouldn’t want to
If you didn’t love me so much
I’d never make it through
‘Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn’t have you

If you didn’t love me so much
(If you didn’t love me so much)

This Life would kill me If I didn’t have you
(This life would kill me)

Couldn’t live without you baby
I wouldn’t want to
If you didn’t love me so much
I’d never make it through
‘Cause This life would kill me
This Life would kill me if I didn’t have you

See what I see.

EyesI haven’t been writing much lately. It’s been really hard not to. I have written a little bit on a half a dozen legal pads I have laying around, but it’s not the same as writing here. I have found myself expecting the worst, seeing everything in the worst possible light. I have a lot of incredible, cool, happy things going on in my life right now, both professionally and personally. Yet I am unable to write about them. There are privacy issues, and “it’s nobody’s business” issues and even a few things I’m not ready to write about yet. But I think the hardest part about not writing is just the solitude of the writing process—it’s just me and my words. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed me lately. But, I see myself in a totally different way now. I am going to wear a dress for the first time in more than 13 years. I may learn how to be comfortable without my mask. I believe that some day I will be able to take 6 months and just write and live and nothing else. I think I’m going to get back to the lake real soon—and stay there. I think I may actually get a little piece of happiness. But sometimes my self-doubt and over-analyzing mind takes over and all I see is the bad. I see me failing miserably. I see him leaving. I see my heart break into a million pieces. And then I shut my eyes, think about him kissing me and enjoy the butterflies in my stomach. Tomorrow may be the day that changes everything, I can see it.
Sig

It is what it is. (sorry)

Love-StoryIt’s hard for me to keep quiet. When I’m happy I tell everybody, when I’m sad I cry with my friends. And, I’m an open book. Those closest to me know everything about me—the good, the bad and the ugly. Right now they know I am very happy, but they also know I am very sad and very scared. I’m happy because of who has reappeared in my life. They also know this is the reason I am sad and very scared too. I’m happy because I have started to look forward to tomorrow. I’m happy because I’m no longer coasting along. I’m happy because I’m looking at my bottom line, and it’s not too bad (and all the numbers are really pretty.) I’m no longer making excuses. I’m taking a chance—a big chance. This is also what makes me sad and scared. I’m not an optimistic by nature, quite the opposite. I’m just waiting for the ball to drop.

I have caught myself thinking about “happily every after.” But what is that really? For me it’s waking up every morning and seeing the person I love. It’s the quick pecks on the cheek and the long, passionate, toe-curling kisses. It’s butterflies in my stomach when I think of him. It’s me not being able to shut up when I talk to him on the phone. I seriously just babble on about anything and everything just to keep him on the line—I love his voice. It’s holding hands in the car. It’s him always saying the right thing. Thinking about hard hats and tool boxes makes me smile. Our ESPN is crazy cool and I love it. And then I stop myself. I don’t want to think about all that because it could disappear without a moment’s notice.

I’m scared because I may not be good enough. I’m scared because it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I’m scared because my life will never ever be the same. I’m scared I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and never get to finish what we started. I’m sad because my actions are affecting someone else’s life that I don’t even know. And then I’m selfish because I don’t care.

“I can almost see it.
That dream I’m dreaming, but
There’s a voice inside my head saying
You’ll never reach it.” —Jessi Alexander and Jon Mabe

I have never wanted to be wrong, but I know I want to be wrong. Maybe my fear is unfounded, maybe this is our time. Maybe tomorrow morning he will wake up and realize that he absolutely cannot live without me. Yep, that could happen.
Sig

I want you.

KissMeI want to be the first thing on your mind when you wake up, and the last thing on your mind as you fall into a stressless slumber.
I want to watch as your fingers wrap around a warm mug on a cold day, and notice how as the liquid slides down your throat your eyes light up.
I want to remember the way your handwriting seems to flow so easily onto the paper, and how the pen seems to miss the dash above the i’s.
I want to feel your fingers tangled up with my own, and feel your arms wrap around my waist on a bad day.
I want to hear your voice whisper my name in the early hours of the morning, and I want to hear you confess your undying love for me while you think I can’t hear you.
I want you.
Sig

The future.

HandsWhy do I write and dream about something that will never happen? Happily ever after is not reality. I have got to get my mind back on the here and now. I have got to get my brain back to what it is good at and what it is used to—work. Time to turn back off. But, I don’t want to. I want happily ever after. And for him to keep holding my hand.
Sig

This is real.

What is my real relationship? My real relationship is loving you unconditionally, and you me. My real relationship is you holding my hand. My real relationship is you sleeping with me every night—with a fan on. My real relationship is me cooking the foods you love every day. My real relationship is me taking care of you and you taking care of me. I want to do your laundry, pick up your messes and mow your yard. I want you to call me honey pie all the time. I want you to keep me looking at my bottom line. I want you to touch me every time you are close enough to do so. I want to say “we” and “us” all the time. I want you to dry my tears when I am sad. I want to rub your muscles when you hurt. I want to always be able to make you laugh. I want to be able to see you out my office window, working in the yard on some piece of equipment. I want to sit on the front porch with you and just rock away the troubles of the day. I want to be a team. I want Sunday dinners at either one of our parent’s house. I want to keep having butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about our first kiss last Monday morning. I want us to take lazy vacations that involve a body of water. I want to be the couple that everyone else wants to be. I want to be happy with you—only you.

I want you to chose me because you love me, because you believe in me and because we are better when we are together.

Love,
Sig