Category: Love

Not unhappy, again.

WeddingThere has been too much conversation lately about how I should be married. My friends suck. They mean well, but sometimes I don’t think they know me at all. They are all mostly happily married and want me to be happy too. I’m not unhappy, but I don’t think being married would make me happy. I think they have forgotten what I have said for the past 5+ years, yet they are planning my hypothetical wedding. And why, with all my epic failed relationships, do they almost always come to me for advice when they have problems? I am not the expert, nor a role model.

But, why am I not married? I’m stubborn. I’m set in my ways and my ways are the best. I don’t share well. If I want to do something, I do it. I like expensive shoes and electronics. I quote random song lyrics at inappropriate times. I want him around when I want him around, and I can’t be forced to be in his company. My solitude is very important. I’m grouchy. I trust no one. When I don’t get a joke, I’m pissed. I would rather go to a funeral than a wedding. I’m selfish. I rant—a lot. I want to smoke every minute of every day, although I limit myself to one puff every month or so. I have unrealistic expectations. Although I consider myself a modern woman, I still like most stereotypical gender rolls—I will vacuum, he will take out the trash. I sleep in the middle of the bed. I overthink everything. I still talk to a lot of my exes. I am super private. I’m kinda bossy. I have only one feeling and I guard is fiercely. I sometimes don’t answer my phone for days or weeks, but I always expect him to answer his. I will probably never let anyone completely in. I am not responsible enough to be part of someone else’s happiness. When I’m in a bad mood I take it out on everyone. I am sometimes unkind.

And on the flip side: I am awesome and only want to be told once a day. I am loyal to a fault. I buy my own expensive shoes and electronics, but love unexpected surprises. I can cook very well, but love to share my kitchen. I give great gifts. I’m not afraid of getting dirty and I love to weld. I am just as comfortable in kick-ass heels as I am in my work boots, although I prefer sweatpants and a safety green t-shirt. I love unconditionally. I am full of myself and sometimes a tad condescending, but I earned it. I am very sentimental, and a tear can run down my cheek easily. I love writing and receiving love letters. Hold my hand and I will go anywhere with you.

I was supposed to write about chicken, but somehow this post happened.
sig

When one door closes, yada, yada, yada.

noseitzconstrThings have been strained around here to say the least. It seems like I have changed drastically overnight. Right now I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I crave “normal”, but can’t seem to figure out what that is. Tomorrow Seitz Construction officially goes up for sale. Yep, that’s right. The web design half of my business has got to go. I have already had a generous offer, but I’m gonna wait a few weeks and see what happens.

I haven’t decided how I feel about this yet. The only thing that really bothers me right now is losing my name, “Seitz Construction”. I started Seitz Construction in 1996. I was motivated not by myself, but by someone else, and it stuck. But it worked, I worked hard and it became a not so overnight success. Recent events have tied my hands metaphorically, and now it’s time to sell. Time to move on. I keep saying “it’s just business,” but I have became very sentimental the last few days. I also feel very unsettled. I’m still trying to figure out where to put down my roots, and not coming up with any really good answers.

My big brain has been on overdrive and mixed with a now horrible summer cold, my sleep has been almost nonexistent the past few days. I have always had problems shutting off to go to sleep.

I have tried to reconnect with someone I care about. EPIC FAIL. I am not one of those people who can date or be with more than one person at a time. No doubt about it. Once someone has my heart, it is hard to let go. I just hope when I finish writing this chapter he will still be waiting for me. But as an Aquarius it’s really hard for me to show people my emotions, so I have kinda been hiding from him too. Sometimes I am tough, right now I am not. And my patience is wearing very thin.
NewSig

Patience, ugh!

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions. –Unknown

IMG_2883
Rockin’ my favorite jacket.

I have been really, really struggling with patience lately. I have been told to be patient. I know I should be patient. I am not patient. Sure, I have A LOT of questions rolling around in my head (especially when I am trying to sleep). And I have always been a girl of action. But right now I am inactive. My hands have been tied (metaphorically) and I can do nothing about it except wait. And then wait some more. And then I might even have to wait a little bit longer.

I have started questioning all my goals, all my values, all that I believe to be true. I have started questioning loyalty, privacy (or just the idea of it) and especially solitude. Not only is this going on in my professional life, but it’s also going on in my private life too.

I always thought I knew what I wanted. I have been paying my penance to hopefully achieve this happiness for at least a decade. I wonder when it will ever be enough. I wonder if it really is what I want now. The right thing is never the easiest (No. 29). But lately I can’t even seem to distinguish between right and wrong. And I don’t know who can tell me the difference.

I have worked hard, played hard and loved hard. Scratch that. I have worked hard, played hard and almost loved hard. I have put up a wall around me I’m not letting anybody in. It’s been up for awhile. I have been around my parents too much lately. Their love story is epic and I am jealous of it every single day.

Sometimes a hug from my best friend makes everything better. It helped a little bit today. It also helped that he let me ramble on, cry, moan, whine, state the facts, rant and then rant some more and then cry again. And he never once judged me. He just listened and then told me to get up tomorrow and try again. I think I will take his advise….again.
NewSig

 

The next chapter.

You are like the book I never put down. I can’t stop reading about you. Finding out who you are deep down. A book full of emotion and wonder. Countless adventures and experiences waiting to be discovered. A thousand endings to ponder as the story unravels. With the best part being that the story of you has become a story of us, of how much you have become part of me, as we eventually become one. And even though our story will someday come to an end, the memories and fond feelings we’ve experienced throughout our lives will echo in eternity. Never fading away. Never changing. Like my love for you.
Sig

Patience.

Anyone can give up; it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would expect you to fall apart, now that is true strength.
― Chris BradfordThe Way of the Sword

IMG_2281I can be patient. I can be calm. I will never, ever give up. I had my “falling apart” moment more than a month ago. I never gave up, I never will. I am strong. My love story isn’t over yet, a new chapter is just beginning—maybe. My guard is still up, but we will see how fast it comes down.
Sig

Thinking About You

You’re a million miles away but I can still see your face
I can still taste your lips from the kiss yesterday
I heard you left the other day, took another trip to outer space
I will chase you around the world, I can still heal you, I can still feel you, I can still
hear you calling my name

I’ve been thinking about you
I’ve been dreaming about you, every night and everyday
I keep waiting on you
Been praying for you that maybe you’ll come back again someday

PuddleofMuddShould of been a piece of cake
But I guess it had to end this way
Why is everything such a waste?
I wanna keep holding on
Holding on to what we got
But everything that we had is already gone
I can still heal you, I can still feel you, I can still hear you calling my name

I’ve been thinking about you
I’ve been dreaming about you, every night and everyday
I keep waiting on you
Been praying for you that maybe you’ll come back again someday

I’ve walked around the world about a million times
Just to find you girl, can’t get you out of my mind
I’d cross a burning bridge in the nick of time, just to save you girl
Can’t get you out of my mind, can’t get you out of mind

I’ve been thinking about you
I’ve been dreaming about you, every night and everyday
I keep waiting on you
Been praying for you that maybe you’ll come back again someday

I’ve been thinking about you girl
I’ve been dreaming about you every night
I keep waiting on you and praying for you
That maybe you’ll come back again someday

Smiling.

Hardhat
My team may only build websites, but I have to protect my melon.

It has been brought to my attention I have been smiling a lot recently. I am super busy, I have a huge, great project getting ready to start up and I am cool with my personal life. I have so many reasons to be thankful. I get to do a job I love every single day. I have surrounded myself with like-minded, creative, smart people and my mind has been on overdrive ever since. They have motivated me, challenged me and shown me how great it is to lead and be part of a fabulous team again.

A new project with a great friend is starting to come together too. We both needed a new place to write and I think we have created the perfect environment for both of us to produce some kick ass pieces. I will be talking about it more later, but hopefully we will launch in the next few weeks.

I have still got my guard up and I do not plan on letting it down, but I am playing smart right now and it seems to be working for me. I have taken the same attitude with my personal life I have in business—work hard, do good work, do not ever miss a deadline and if you make a mistake, own it. Personally this translates to play and love hard, always be the best I can be, never keep anyone waiting and say I am sorry when I am. I am still a work in progress, but this feels right.

I made my team custom hardhats this week. Seitz Construction is building a huge new website for a great client. I wanted to protect the big brains around here, so the hardhats just seemed like the perfect headwear for them. Sure, we build websites and there is very little danger involved, but safety first. I am sure the hardhats will spend more time on the desks then they ever do on  heads, but I wanted to mark the occasion with something we could keep. Mine is on my desk, but I am sure I will put it on from time to time, along with my work books whenever the contrators actually get started on the renovation.

I also came to the realization this week that I cannot unlove someone and I am not going to try. Timing is sometimes everything. And even though ours was evidently off, I am not going to regret what happened. I am not going to let anyone else define it and I am not going to let anyone else diminish it’s importance to my life. It is what it is and that is enough for me.
Sig

Ready for next year, after another nap.

Relay
Immediately following the Survivor Lap and Caregiver Lap. Walking the Team Lap with mom. She is incredible!

Yesterday morning after being up for 32 straight hours and driving 2 hours, I happily dropped into my bed and took a 5 hour nap. The 2014 White County Relay for Life was Friday from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. My team, “Seitz on a Cure” raised $10, 713 and the total for the event is approaching $70K. Lots of teams are still turning in money and I am hopeful we may actually reach $75K. I am sleep deprived and it is one of the best feelings I have had in a very long time.

At 6:15 Friday night, the strongest woman on the planet walked the survivor lap for the second time—my mom. Last year she walked it for the first time. When I look back on last year’s pics I remember how so very sick she was. This year she was a lot better. She walked it with all the other proud survivors and they rocked it! Sadly, my friend and survivor Karen Thompson wasn’t able to walk this year. She is a 14+ year survivor and because of her fight she was unable attend, but she will be next year. And I missed seeing Jeannie Heibert walking the Survivor Lap. Heaven gained an angel this year—a brave, beautiful angel.

Mom was honored to help carry the Survivor Lap banner and my dad was a banner carrier for the Caregiver Lap. I do love these laps, but my favorite has to be the next lap—the Team Lap. My team is so incredible and we were so well represented. With our signature safety green tshirts we are always easy to spot on the track. I am proud of the fact we had somebody on the track at all times. We are the only team that can claim this. Next year’s Relay is only 360ish days away and we are already talking about what goals to set and how we can achieve them. Don’t worry, I will keep posting and I will keep asking for donations.

Also, each year my dear friend Jack Baker lovingly donates his time and talent as a photographer to capture some amazing images from the event. Click here for just a sampling of what he captured this year (and buy some). I can’t wait to see the rest!

Our county co-chairs Barb Walters and Patty Hodgson are amazing. They keep all of us Committee Members on task and motivated. They also believe we can do anything as a family, and now we are all one great big family. We have big dreams for Relay in White County and I feel so thankful just to be a part of it. I can’t wait for next year!
Sig

No forgiveness.

I will never forgive you. Yep, I said never.

I will never forgive you for staying away for 20 years, then coming back. I will never forgive you for not seeing the real me. I will never forgive you for not giving me a fair chance. I will never forgive you for loving me. I will never forgive you for making me tell you my dream, then making it mean nothing. I will never forgive you for lying to me. I will never forgive you for making me think that “today is the day.” I will never forgive you for saying you want one thing, but choose something completely different. I will never forgive you for claiming to want a strong, independent woman, because evidently you want a weak, desperate, ugly, 9 to 5, minimum wage, dependent woman. I will never forgive you for making me think I was “the one.” I will never forgive you for making me believe things will be different some day.

I will never forgive myself for believing you. I will never forgive myself for letting my guard down. I will never forgive myself for sharing my dream. I will never forgive myself for showing my emotions to you. I will never forgive myself for allowing you to make me question my own self worth—I know I am awesome. I will never forgive myself for allowing your opinion to effect my decision making process.

And I will never forgive myself for knowing I would give you another chance if you wanted it.
Sig