Category: Life

The next chapter.

You are like the book I never put down. I can’t stop reading about you. Finding out who you are deep down. A book full of emotion and wonder. Countless adventures and experiences waiting to be discovered. A thousand endings to ponder as the story unravels. With the best part being that the story of you has become a story of us, of how much you have become part of me, as we eventually become one. And even though our story will someday come to an end, the memories and fond feelings we’ve experienced throughout our lives will echo in eternity. Never fading away. Never changing. Like my love for you.
Sig

Write.

Write BuzzFeed had this article that I totally stole all these quotes from. They had them all in ugly, big graphics, and I just wanted the words. When I can’t write, I read, and these quotes have kept me going over the years.

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” -Anne Lamott

“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” -James Joyce

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worse enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” -Sylvia Plath

“Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.” -Natalie Goldberg

“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.” -Kurt Vonnegut

“Quiet people have the loudest minds.” -Stephen King

“I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I’m afraid of.” -Joss Whedon

“If it is still in your mind. It is worth taking the risk.” -Paulo Coelho

“The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.” -Anais Nin

“No black woman writer in this culture can write ‘too much’. Indeed, no woman writer can write ‘too much’. No woman has ever written enough.” -Bell Hooks

“If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you’ll never learn.” -Ray Bradbury

“If I waited for perfection I would never write a word.” -Margaret Atwood

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.” -Cyril Connolly

“Be the instrument playing the sound of your life’s passing.” -Jonathan Safran Foer

“Get it down. Take chances. It may be bad, but it’s the only way you can do anything really good.” -William Faulkner

“You can’t blame a writer for what the characters say.” -Truman Capote

“We can destroy what we have written but we cannot unwrite it.” -Anthony Burgess

“I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.” -Jarod Kintz

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” – Joan Didion

“If you don’t care for obscenity, you don’t care for the truth.” -Tim O’Brien

“There is no denying the wild horse in us.” -Virginia Woolf

“A writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, or because everything she does is golden. A writer is a writer because, even when there is not hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway.” -Junot Diaz

“Writing a novel is a terrible experience, during which the hair often falls out and the teeth decay. I’m always irritated by people who imply that writing fiction is an escape from reality. It is a plunge into reality and it’s very shocking to the system.” -Flannery O’Connor

“The books that the world call immoral are the books that show the world it’s own shame.” -Oscar Wilde

“Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say.” -Mitch Albom

It’s all my fault.

My faults are, but not limited to, the following:

  1. I am fiercely independent.
  2. I am deeply emotional, but will hardly ever show it.
  3. I give too much.
  4. NotGivingInI expect people to always show their true colors.
  5. I forget how to say “no” sometimes, but then I say it too much other times.
  6. When confronted with drama I will always walk away.
  7. I swear, a lot.
  8. I am loud.
  9. I cover up my hurt with a smile occasionally.
  10. Sometimes I work too hard and forget to have fun.

Of course these are not all my faults—that list would take days. But these are what I feel are my Top 10. Some of my faults I am going to try and change and some I am not.

A lot has happened in the last 6 months (some good and some bad). I have come to realize the every move I have made for the past 15+ years has been influenced by someone very important to me. I did not realize it at the time, but looking back, I see it now.

Now I am trying something new. I know weak people make me crazy. I am glad to be back with like-minded, creative people working on some great projects. And I am trying to figure out where I want to plant my roots. Of course, I am still a work in progress. But, I am making progress.
Sig

Not unhappy.

What exactly does “not unhappy” mean? I’m not sure, but I have been saying it a lot lately. So many people lately have told me to just do what makes me happy and I don’t know how to respond to this. Am I happy all the time? Of course not. Am I unhappy? No, but I am sad sometimes. I just respond with “I’m not unhappy right now.”

I guess as I get older my definition of happy changes. I used to think happiness was the husband and wife, kids, white picket fence, etc. Now I know my kind of happiness is the random moments that turn into great memories. Right now happiness is: Brandon and Luc, phone calls with an old friend, phone calls and txts from a new one, everything that has to do with a body of water, all the stuff going on with SeitzLife and Seitz Construction, Twinkies, Mountain Dew, Carrot Cake, being able to go home whenever I want to, Jeeps, and knowing that every disappointment, heartbreak and mistake I go thru teaches me something.

Sometimes it is hard to grasp just how lucky I am. I get to do a job I love every single day. I have two awesome sons who just continue to amaze me. I may not be rich, but I never go hungry or unclothed. I always have a place to lay my head with a roof over it, whether it be in Illinois or Kentucky. I have the unconditional love of my parents. I have a lot of amazing people in my life who I know I can call any time day or night. I get to write whenever I want about whatever I want. Yet, something is missing, but I don’t know what. I know I want to do more in life, I just don’t know what.

Today an old friend told me I make all decisions quick and I can change my mind in a split second and go in an entirely different direction. I guess I don’t feel grounded right now. But how do I get grounded? Maybe I am just over obsessing about the physical pain I am in right now and it is blurring my judgement. Maybe I am thinking too much about the past and forgetting to live for now and the future. Maybe I need a good therapist.

Maybe I should just stick to my mantra of being a work in progress and just get up in the morning and start all over again, again.
Sig

 

Smiling.

Hardhat
My team may only build websites, but I have to protect my melon.

It has been brought to my attention I have been smiling a lot recently. I am super busy, I have a huge, great project getting ready to start up and I am cool with my personal life. I have so many reasons to be thankful. I get to do a job I love every single day. I have surrounded myself with like-minded, creative, smart people and my mind has been on overdrive ever since. They have motivated me, challenged me and shown me how great it is to lead and be part of a fabulous team again.

A new project with a great friend is starting to come together too. We both needed a new place to write and I think we have created the perfect environment for both of us to produce some kick ass pieces. I will be talking about it more later, but hopefully we will launch in the next few weeks.

I have still got my guard up and I do not plan on letting it down, but I am playing smart right now and it seems to be working for me. I have taken the same attitude with my personal life I have in business—work hard, do good work, do not ever miss a deadline and if you make a mistake, own it. Personally this translates to play and love hard, always be the best I can be, never keep anyone waiting and say I am sorry when I am. I am still a work in progress, but this feels right.

I made my team custom hardhats this week. Seitz Construction is building a huge new website for a great client. I wanted to protect the big brains around here, so the hardhats just seemed like the perfect headwear for them. Sure, we build websites and there is very little danger involved, but safety first. I am sure the hardhats will spend more time on the desks then they ever do on  heads, but I wanted to mark the occasion with something we could keep. Mine is on my desk, but I am sure I will put it on from time to time, along with my work books whenever the contrators actually get started on the renovation.

I also came to the realization this week that I cannot unlove someone and I am not going to try. Timing is sometimes everything. And even though ours was evidently off, I am not going to regret what happened. I am not going to let anyone else define it and I am not going to let anyone else diminish it’s importance to my life. It is what it is and that is enough for me.
Sig

Ready for next year, after another nap.

Relay
Immediately following the Survivor Lap and Caregiver Lap. Walking the Team Lap with mom. She is incredible!

Yesterday morning after being up for 32 straight hours and driving 2 hours, I happily dropped into my bed and took a 5 hour nap. The 2014 White County Relay for Life was Friday from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. My team, “Seitz on a Cure” raised $10, 713 and the total for the event is approaching $70K. Lots of teams are still turning in money and I am hopeful we may actually reach $75K. I am sleep deprived and it is one of the best feelings I have had in a very long time.

At 6:15 Friday night, the strongest woman on the planet walked the survivor lap for the second time—my mom. Last year she walked it for the first time. When I look back on last year’s pics I remember how so very sick she was. This year she was a lot better. She walked it with all the other proud survivors and they rocked it! Sadly, my friend and survivor Karen Thompson wasn’t able to walk this year. She is a 14+ year survivor and because of her fight she was unable attend, but she will be next year. And I missed seeing Jeannie Heibert walking the Survivor Lap. Heaven gained an angel this year—a brave, beautiful angel.

Mom was honored to help carry the Survivor Lap banner and my dad was a banner carrier for the Caregiver Lap. I do love these laps, but my favorite has to be the next lap—the Team Lap. My team is so incredible and we were so well represented. With our signature safety green tshirts we are always easy to spot on the track. I am proud of the fact we had somebody on the track at all times. We are the only team that can claim this. Next year’s Relay is only 360ish days away and we are already talking about what goals to set and how we can achieve them. Don’t worry, I will keep posting and I will keep asking for donations.

Also, each year my dear friend Jack Baker lovingly donates his time and talent as a photographer to capture some amazing images from the event. Click here for just a sampling of what he captured this year (and buy some). I can’t wait to see the rest!

Our county co-chairs Barb Walters and Patty Hodgson are amazing. They keep all of us Committee Members on task and motivated. They also believe we can do anything as a family, and now we are all one great big family. We have big dreams for Relay in White County and I feel so thankful just to be a part of it. I can’t wait for next year!
Sig

The lake called, and I went.

Lake

Here I am on a beautiful boat with lots of friends and I am writing. Of course I am writing. When I think, I have to write, so I am writing. Maybe I was destined to be a third-rate writer instead of a grade-A graphic artist. I do love what I do, but all I really want to be when I grow up is a writer.

Anyway, me and the girls are all here on beautiful Kentucky Lake soaking up the rays and probably drinking too much wine. We have been laughing and we have cried both happy and sad tears. It’s good to get away sometimes. Although I could live like this permanently. All of us seem to have relationship issues and all of seem to be very hard to live with right now. We are all contemplating reinventing ourselves, but can’t seem to figure out how we want to do it. I am contemplating going back to being a 9 to 5er. Everybody else seems to have self-image issues.

I’ve been dreaming alot lately and not while I am sleeping. I have had a dream in the back of my head for as long as I can remember. Now I think I might want to change my dream. But how do I do that? How can I suddenly change the entire course of my life and believe that my dream might come true? And when do I finally decide that it won’t, and just move on?

I really am having a great time with the girls (and the two husbands who evidently thought we might need some supervision). But my mind isn’t really here right now. I am trying to live in the moment, but I’m failing miserably. I swore last week I would quit making plans, but damn, that is a tall order to fill for me.

I think we are all going to head into downtown Paducah tonight. Paducah may never be the same. Dinner at Whaler’s Catch is always delicious. And it’s fun for me to show my friends my new adopted home town. I may even take them by my dream building, or maybe I won’t. I don’t think I can look at it without someone holding my hand, at least not right now. There’s a lot going on on Broadway tonight, so if you’re  in the area stop by. There will be live music at almost every bar and the weather is going to be great. I’m pretty confident you will be able to spot us—ten middle-aged hot chicks will be hard to miss. And some of us might be a bit loud—really loud.
Sig

 

Uncensored.

Sometimes I actually have to dress up for work and not wear pajamas. This makes my feet hurt and me cranky.
Sometimes I actually have to dress up for work and not wear pajamas. This makes my feet hurt and me cranky.

Every blogger I know has had a moment in their blogging life that makes them question every single thing they have posted. Now, I can add myself to the list. I made a commitment to myself when I started writing years ago (at my old gribco blog, which I have deleted)  I would not censor myself. Well, now I am censoring myself. Don’t ask why, because I can’t answer honestly. Just know there is a large part of my life that I will not be writing about ever again. My love life is off limits. Oh sure, my love life is very interesting, but there is actually a lot more going on with me outside the bedroom too. Plus, my love story is novel epic, so I’m going to save it for hard copy.

First, I signed a HUGE contract this past Friday. Second, I have another HUGE contract I may get next Thursday. Third, I have an unbelievable chance to do some kickass writing for a major midwest newspaper, and will be spending a few days with them next week. When I get a byline there, I can make another check off of my bucket list. Don’t worry, I will post it here when I do. Fourth, I have to finally have surgery on my shoulder. Compression fractures in my back + pinched nerves + degenerative cysts = pain for the past 10+ years. It has finally come to a head and in a few weeks I will probably be going under the knife. I’m scared, of course. But it’s my left shoulder, so I won’t be totally helpless for long and I have some great friends that are going to take care of me. I plan to do a lot of writing in the two weeks following surgery, so watch out because some may be drug induced. Could be very interesting.

As much as I have made a lot of my personal life public here, when someone unwanted reads it I feel violated. I have caught myself almost writing to the creeper. That stops after today. Someone inconsequential will not control how I write or my writing process. (Hey creeper, this is the last time I will ever think of you, or your desperate attempt to control a situation that is none of your business.) This is the one and only time I will ever let you into this blog. Get over it. Move on. Leave me alone. If you need something to read I can Google some mental illness websites that might help with your self-diagnosis.

Sorry, that needed to be said.

I have worked from my home office for the past 14+ years and the dress code is pretty lax. Well, right now I have been venturing out and drumming up some business and that requires some better attire. I’m not really thrilled about having to get “made up” almost every day for the past week and probably for a few more weeks to come, but it will be worth it. And hopefully my feet can get used to wearing my “ass kicking” heals again.
Sig

One thousand words.

ThousandWords“Write a thousand words,” he said.

“Write a thousand words about anything. Tell me about yourself.” Seriously?

This coffee is delicious, Italian dark roast. Man, am I having a fabulous hair day. And these heals are making my ass look fantastic, although my feet are killing me. I wonder if Brandon remembered to test the pool water this morning? This place is noisy. I am way out of practice of tuning this stuff out. What time did Dan say my flight leaves on Wednesday? Dang it, I have got to remember to call him back this afternoon. I have got to find a quick dry-cleaner, my perfect white shirt and my favorite black pin-striped pants need to be done by tomorrow. I hope I took a good pic for my name badge, press pass and credentials. Crap, I left stuff in the dryer this morning. Sometimes life throws a curve.

Sometimes facts turn into lies. And sometimes people disappoint. And then sometimes those you least expect show up and save the day. I know the cliche “life is a journey, not a destination,” is overused, but I do believe it. I also believe that if you want to make God laugh, make plans. My journey continues, and I’m not making any more plans.

I have been living a roller coaster dream for the past few months. There have been ups and there have been downs. Right now I am up, but that could change at any moment. Things are good for me. Wait. Things are really great for me right now. I’m happy personally and professionally. I haven’t been able to say that for quite some time. So rarely do both these things line up. But now it feels like everything is finally coming together. My phone has been ringing off the hook for the past few days. Bankers, my new BFF real estate agent, printers and a lot of clients have kept my cell phone battery very low. I am not complaining. I finally have the chance to write and I don’t want to blow it.

I have realized that I don’t need anyone to make me happy. Of course some people do make me happy. But to be happy in general, I need no one. I let my guard down a few months ago, but that won’t happen again. But I have decided to let a few people in who I have denied access to in the past. This is really scary and will probably end badly, but what the hell. I’m on the YOLO bandwagon and I’m not going to worry about the future of my personal life any more. I am going to quit saying, “I will never, ever get married again,” and “I will never let anyone close to my heart, ever.” I am also going to quit saying “I hate people” even if I do.

I have been accused of not living in the moment—always trying to control situations that really cannot be controlled. I may have always had a Plan A, Plan B and Plan C. Today I let go. I have my professional life fully under control (well, as much as it can be), but I am letting my personal life kinda go. I’m going to say yes a lot more.

I have re-invented myself a few times in my life. The last time was about 14 years ago. It’s time for a revamp. My hair is very dark, almost black now. I am wearing a sleeveless shirt in public. My belly is almost flat—may be time for that piercing? Wait—no on the piercing. I am too old for that foolishness. Attitude is the hardest to change, but I’m working on it. I’m still tough, but a different kind of tough. I’m a “take no prisoners” kind of girl when it comes to business and sometimes this has spilled over into my personal life. I have got to remember that every person has a struggle I know nothing about. My empathy will improve.

I’m proud of being from the Midwest. But the greatest compliment ever given to me was from a previous publisher. He said, “Julie, you are the most New York person I have ever met outside of New York.” Somebody thinks I should adopt the accent of my fellow Kentuckians, but I’m just not feeling it. I also love Chicago too much to stay away. I hear “the bean” calling to me and I can’t wait to see her soon.

I reached out to someone last night and I hope he lets me back in. He was/is very important to me and I want him to know it. I pushed him away a long time ago. I hope he remembers I am not perfect, but I am awesome. I hope he hasn’t forgotten the sound of my voice. I may let him hold my hand. And I hope one of my best friends understands. And then, just like that, he sends me a text. Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways. Wow. I now know that I don’t want to be alone any more. No matter how much professional success I have, if I don’t have someone to share it with, it’s not worth it.

This week has been filled will both happy and sad tears. Sometimes they hit me out of the blue and sometimes I can feel them coming. I’m still a work in progress, I don’t know if I ever really want to grow up and I definitely don’t want to forget who I am. Sometimes I am emotional and sometimes I am stone cold. I make no apologies for being me. I have been looking for the “perfect life” for quite some time, but I have realized that my perfect life right now is where I think I want to be.

Most importantly, I have a dream and I’m not going to stop dreaming it. You never know, tomorrow might be the day that changes my life forever.
Sig