There has been too much conversation lately about how I should be married. My friends suck. They mean well, but sometimes I don’t think they know me at all. They are all mostly happily married and want me to be happy too. I’m not unhappy, but I don’t think being married would make me happy. I think they have forgotten what I have said for the past 5+ years, yet they are planning my hypothetical wedding. And why, with all my epic failed relationships, do they almost always come to me for advice when they have problems? I am not the expert, nor a role model.
But, why am I not married? I’m stubborn. I’m set in my ways and my ways are the best. I don’t share well. If I want to do something, I do it. I like expensive shoes and electronics. I quote random song lyrics at inappropriate times. I want him around when I want him around, and I can’t be forced to be in his company. My solitude is very important. I’m grouchy. I trust no one. When I don’t get a joke, I’m pissed. I would rather go to a funeral than a wedding. I’m selfish. I rant—a lot. I want to smoke every minute of every day, although I limit myself to one puff every month or so. I have unrealistic expectations. Although I consider myself a modern woman, I still like most stereotypical gender rolls—I will vacuum, he will take out the trash. I sleep in the middle of the bed. I overthink everything. I still talk to a lot of my exes. I am super private. I’m kinda bossy. I have only one feeling and I guard is fiercely. I sometimes don’t answer my phone for days or weeks, but I always expect him to answer his. I will probably never let anyone completely in. I am not responsible enough to be part of someone else’s happiness. When I’m in a bad mood I take it out on everyone. I am sometimes unkind.
And on the flip side: I am awesome and only want to be told once a day. I am loyal to a fault. I buy my own expensive shoes and electronics, but love unexpected surprises. I can cook very well, but love to share my kitchen. I give great gifts. I’m not afraid of getting dirty and I love to weld. I am just as comfortable in kick-ass heels as I am in my work boots, although I prefer sweatpants and a safety green t-shirt. I love unconditionally. I am full of myself and sometimes a tad condescending, but I earned it. I am very sentimental, and a tear can run down my cheek easily. I love writing and receiving love letters. Hold my hand and I will go anywhere with you.
I was supposed to write about chicken, but somehow this post happened.
Let’s talk about control. Who is in control? One answer: I am. I have realized lately that I was being controlled by the past, controlled by people who really don’t matter, and controlled by the almighty dollar. I have cut the cord on all of these. I have paid my penance in full for past mistakes, although I may have to start paying again for present mistakes—I may be awesome, but I am far from perfect. I have cut out the people who don’t matter. And I have taken a job I love, although I didn’t know how I would be able to handle a 9 to 5 job after working in my pajamas for so many years. I’m in a new city all by myself and I am enjoying the solitude of it all. Of course I miss my boys, my folks, and my friends, but it’s worth it. These past few weeks have reminded me just how important I am to my own self worth, happiness and future. Seems like I had taken a 6-8 month hiatus from who I really am. It is crazy how one person can get in my head, cloud my judgement, lie to me and have their own agenda. Sure I’m a nomad, but I am a nomad by choice. When it’s time for me to put down roots, I will. I don’t need somebody else to make this decision for me. And seriously, I always deserve the truth—the entire truth.
I’m getting back into my own groove again and it feels good. I had forgotten that I am more than capable of making important decisions all by myself. And if I’m not, I have a lot qualified friends who I trust to give their opinion if need be. Of course all my friends always tell me to do what makes me happy, but right now I am really having a hard time figuring that out. But, it will come.
I am definitely not unhappy, I just haven’t quite got to happy. I’ve said it before and I stand by it now, “I am a work in progress.” And I don’t see this changing anytime soon. I’m always growing, always learning and usually always smiling too. I have been accused of being cold and unemotional, but that’s how I’m programmed. Sometimes showing emotion makes me feel weak, but sometimes it empowers me. This week I have felt strong and I don’t want this feeling to end. So for now, I am in total control.
I have been living as a nomad for too long. My home has been my suitcase for more than two years. Sure, I have had my home in Southern Illinois and an apartment in Western Kentucky, but I have bopped back and forth between them. I have tried to get grounded and have failed. I have taken a new job (my first 9 to 5 job in a loooooong time). Its in a town I am familiar with but have never lived in. I started last week and it is going great. I haven’t found a place to live yet, but I’m looking.
My best friend is trying to encourage me to put down roots, but I am balking. As much as I am happy being by myself, it would be a lie to say I am not lonely at times. After years of working really, really hard I am tiring of the grind. I’m not complaining, I am so fortunate to get to do a job I love every single day. But I’m ready to slow down a bit. I’m ready to spend time with the people who mean the most to me, I’m ready to sleep past 5:15 a.m., and I’m ready to write my novel.
This new job is short-term, maybe 2-3 years, maybe less. Of course this isn’t long enough to put down roots. Again, I am back to my old habit of being a nomad. But what is it going to take to get me to pick a place, love it, and stay there? My dream would be to be surrounded by the people I love, all at Kentucky Lake. I want to be able to sit on my back deck in the morning and drink coffee, eat a Twinkie and half a pound of bacon, and listen to the water. After breakfast I want to walk to my office, write for a few hours and be able to look out my windows and see kids playing and hear them laughing as the grown-ups supervise. After a productive writing day I want to cook a delicious meal, clean up the mess and then relax on the couch and actually watch TV without my MacBook Pro on my lap. I want to crawl into my king size bed beside the one I love and curl up for a peaceful slumber filled with happy dreams.
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit—
Rest if you must, but don’t quit.
Life is strange with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow—
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a fair and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out—
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit,—
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.
–Author unknown (www.TheSilverPen.com)
All I want to do is make one phone call. One phone call could answer all my questions. I trust this person completely and he could find out the truth. All I have to do is give him the go ahead—he’s been prepped already. I have been wanting to fight back for months, but didn’t even know what I was fighting against. I don’t like being in the dark. I want all the facts. I have complete faith that everything will come out in the end, but I don’t want me or him to be battle scarred either. What little I do know is very confusing. There are certain things I know to be true. And a lot of the other stuff makes no sense to me.
It has taken every bit of restraint and patience to not go full speed ahead to get to the bottom of the bullshit. I have to keep reminding myself that the reward for my restraint is definitely worth me sitting on my hands and keeping my mouth shut. I keep reminding myself the the truth will come out eventually, no matter what I want to do to speed it along. Just step back and let it all unfold.
Sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes I forget everybody is not like me. I don’t always do the right thing, but I always try to. And sometimes I can’t even figure out what the right thing is. I’m tired of the gray area, I’m ready for everything to be black and white.
As much as I try to be an open book, there are still parts of me nobody gets to see. I’ve been accused of being cold, unemotional and sometimes a tad too full of myself. I’ll take that, but with an explanation about all of them. I’m cold, because it is hard for me to trust and as a realist I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I disagree with unemotional. Just because I don’t show it does not mean I don’t have emotions. I have been programmed to believe emotions make you week, so to be strong I don’t show them. It may not be right, but that’s how I work. I am probably too full of myself, but you know, I earned it. I have worked hard and I am good at what I do. And for every member of the “Julie is awesome” club there are that many nonmembers. It’s their loss.
I have been paying my penance for past wrongs for more than a decade. I honestly try every day to wake up with a good attitude, do at least one random act of kindness and help others whenever I can. I wonder when it will ever be enough. I have been fighting the urge to burn hard drives for months, and it’s only getting worse. I have stood back and bit my tongue. I have not defended myself, even when I should have. I may be naive, but I think that if I wait long enough and give her enough rope, she will hang herself. I just have to be patient. I totally believe that what is meant to be will happen whenever it’s supposed to, but I am getting very tired of waiting. I know it’s just a test, but right now I feel like I am failing.
I feel like I lack direction right now. My heart is telling me to write, but my bank account is telling me to keep doing what I am doing to pay the bills. And then I don’t write for a week and when I do it’s just crap. I can’t win right now.
I take it back, Seitz Construction is off the market. After a change of events and a long planning session, I am excited about bigger and better things to come. Although I have gotten very good at making business unemotional, I think it’s time for me to put my heart back into it and get back to taking an active roll in what I truly love. I will letcha know how it goes.
Things have been strained around here to say the least. It seems like I have changed drastically overnight. Right now I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I crave “normal”, but can’t seem to figure out what that is. Tomorrow Seitz Construction officially goes up for sale. Yep, that’s right. The web design half of my business has got to go. I have already had a generous offer, but I’m gonna wait a few weeks and see what happens.
I haven’t decided how I feel about this yet. The only thing that really bothers me right now is losing my name, “Seitz Construction”. I started Seitz Construction in 1996. I was motivated not by myself, but by someone else, and it stuck. But it worked, I worked hard and it became a not so overnight success. Recent events have tied my hands metaphorically, and now it’s time to sell. Time to move on. I keep saying “it’s just business,” but I have became very sentimental the last few days. I also feel very unsettled. I’m still trying to figure out where to put down my roots, and not coming up with any really good answers.
My big brain has been on overdrive and mixed with a now horrible summer cold, my sleep has been almost nonexistent the past few days. I have always had problems shutting off to go to sleep.
I have tried to reconnect with someone I care about. EPIC FAIL. I am not one of those people who can date or be with more than one person at a time. No doubt about it. Once someone has my heart, it is hard to let go. I just hope when I finish writing this chapter he will still be waiting for me. But as an Aquarius it’s really hard for me to show people my emotions, so I have kinda been hiding from him too. Sometimes I am tough, right now I am not. And my patience is wearing very thin.
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions. –Unknown
I have been really, really struggling with patience lately. I have been told to be patient. I know I should be patient. I am not patient. Sure, I have A LOT of questions rolling around in my head (especially when I am trying to sleep). And I have always been a girl of action. But right now I am inactive. My hands have been tied (metaphorically) and I can do nothing about it except wait. And then wait some more. And then I might even have to wait a little bit longer.
I have started questioning all my goals, all my values, all that I believe to be true. I have started questioning loyalty, privacy (or just the idea of it) and especially solitude. Not only is this going on in my professional life, but it’s also going on in my private life too.
I always thought I knew what I wanted. I have been paying my penance to hopefully achieve this happiness for at least a decade. I wonder when it will ever be enough. I wonder if it really is what I want now. The right thing is never the easiest (No. 29). But lately I can’t even seem to distinguish between right and wrong. And I don’t know who can tell me the difference.
I have worked hard, played hard and loved hard. Scratch that. I have worked hard, played hard and almost loved hard. I have put up a wall around me I’m not letting anybody in. It’s been up for awhile. I have been around my parents too much lately. Their love story is epic and I am jealous of it every single day.
Sometimes a hug from my best friend makes everything better. It helped a little bit today. It also helped that he let me ramble on, cry, moan, whine, state the facts, rant and then rant some more and then cry again. And he never once judged me. He just listened and then told me to get up tomorrow and try again. I think I will take his advise….again.
It is my pleasure to inform you and the VPN you are trying to hide behind was so easy to hack around. But, you know, I did underestimate just how desperate you really are. This is going to be so fun, although I really don’t have time for this.