Category: Life

Epic fail.

So, today my web servers crashed. Of course, the last backup was July 11, 2016, so I lost quite a few great posts from the past two months. I called out the creepers from Charleston with screenshots, talked about how great my friends and family are and then wrote about my boycott of Facebook, just to name a few. I also had to redesign a few elements I have previously changed. Like a broken record I exclaim, “don’t forget to do backups.” I’m guilty of the pot calling the kettle black on this one.

I have to write about my squad again. They have came to me, protected me, listened to me, tried their best to help me and were just generally great. My squad is 10+ years strong and these special people are my greatest assets. There is not anything they would ask me to do that I wouldn’t do for them. They epitomize unconditional love. It’s strange how until 2 months ago they had all never been in the same room together. But they all showed up at The Four Seasons August 10th and they have been as close to each other as they have always been to me. With all the crap, seeing my people come together has been a positive in this sea of negative.

Rockin' my 'Listener of the Day' t-shirt, 9-23-16.
Rockin’ my ‘Listener of the Day’ t-shirt, 9-23-16.

It was fun to take them out on the town and really show them a small glimpse of my world in the big city. They had all visited in the past, but never as a group. Our only worries that night was where everyone was going to sleep and what to order from room service. I voted for pizza from down the street and Bud Lite, but in the end, there was pizza, Chinese, a little Thai, a few burgers and fries and lots of wine and beer. The girls all thought I had lost my mind for drinking Bud Light when they know my choice is Coors Light. They know my heart was still bruised and sometimes my emotions override my brain. I am sentimental from time to time. A boy in Albion broke my heart, and I’m still not completely over it.

In the midst of all the craziness I have still been extremely busy. I have reconnected with some business folks and everything seems to be working out pretty well. I haven’t found a permanent gig yet, but the offers are sitting there just waiting on me to make a decision. It has turned out to be a harder than I anticipated. But with a lot of thought, a little prayer and listening to the advise of the squad, I’m getting closer to making a choice.

I have also gotten to mark two different items off my bucket list. First, I was chosen as KSHE 95’s ‘Listener of the Day’ September 23, 2016. This has been on my list for quite some time, and now I can join the ranks of one of my BFFs who also held the title back in November 2015. And then I had the privilege of being on the field at Busch Stadium taking pics of the St. Louis Cardinals. Yeah, two bucket list items in less than 30 days = winning for now.

The next few weeks are going to be hard. Lawyers are involved, lots of money will exchange hands, a move will be made and life-changing events will take place. But I have my family, my squad and my faith in myself to get me through.

I still dream of the lake almost every single night. I didn’t get to spend near enough weekends there this year. Patience is there waiting on me and an empty lot is waiting on my pole barn house to be built. It will come in time.


Best friend.

IMG_2728So, my best friend and I aren’t friends on Facebook. Don’t ask, it’s a long story. But everything I post on Facebook is public and anybody and everybody can see it. I’m kind of a public figure, so folks like to see what I am doing. Him commenting out of the blue on something is phenomenal.

Someone I care about very deeply is threatened by the relationship me and my best friend share. I couldn’t stop my daily text to my BFF. It hasn’t been the first time a boy has made me choose. I can’t seem to stop my daily 10 AM text.

But the thing is, I need my BFF right now. I need for him to look into my eyes and see my soul and then explain what is going on in my head. I need his opinion on business, life, love, everything. He literally knows me better than anybody else on the planet except my mom. He has always given me unselfish advise and always pulls me back to look at things with a different perspective. I also need construction tips.

And I know some of the things he is going to tell me. He is going to say my mask is too heavy and don’t smoke. He is gonna tell me to get my head out of my ass and use my brain productively and quit over-thinking everything. He is gonna say my hair is awful. He is going to say my home is Carmi and I can’t run back to St. Louis (or anywhere else) every time life gets too real. He is going to tell me how hard I have worked to get where I am and not feel guilty about it. He is going to remind me how important perfect solitude is. He is going to tell me to get back to my sketchpad more often. And hopefully he will tell me he loves me just the way I am.

Fairy tales.

I want the fairy tale. I want him to kiss my forehead. I want him to hold my hand, every day. I want him to bring me one flower for no reason. I want him to drive 2 hours, even if it’s just to see me for 2 minutes. I want him to protect me. I want him to make me laugh. I want him to pull me towards him in the middle of the night. I want him to know everything about me. I want him to take away all my self-doubt. I want him to think I am adorable. I want him to gently brush the hair out of my eyes, cup my cheek, look into my eyes and see my soul. I want him to fight for me.

And I want to hold his hand every day. I want to cook his favorite foods. I want to make his coffee exactly how he likes it. I want to do his laundry. I want to kiss his forehead and make him believe I can fix anything in the world. I want to make him laugh. I want to tell him everything about me, even the ugly part. I want him to show up on my doorstep when he knows I need him without me telling him. I want him to see me cry and wipe away my tears.

I want us to be a team. I want us to know exactly what the other one wants and then provide it. I want us to want to be together and not let anything or anyone keep us apart. I want us to curl up on the couch, or go out on the town or just take a road trip. I want us to be “that couple” everyone talks about because we are so happy. I want us to be happy.


Yeah, I know.

I know I have neglected this space lately. No, I do not have a good excuse. Of course I’m busy, but everyone else is busy too. The truth is, I haven’t had too much to write about. I have a love life I don’t ever write about. I also have a crazy ex of an ex who still after two years is trying to convince everyone I know that the FBI is watching me. I have thought and thought, but can’t come up with any good reason for this. If they are, they must be very bored with my life by now. Anyway…

SeitzLife Art & Design has keep me super busy for the past few months and I’m super proud of me and my staff. We have worked our butts off to produce super stuff. And we just keep getting better. We have a HUGE eCommerce site going live on April 1 and I can’t wait. These great people were my first big client when I moved back to my hometown and they believed in me when they didn’t have to. I will be forever grateful for their business and their friendship. We’re kinda family now.

IMG_0062I’m trying a new look with my hair and geeky glasses. I think I want to go a little more blond, but the boy doesn’t think so. Oops, not supposed to write about the boy. (He’ll never know, he refuses to even have Facebook. He has no digital footprint and sometimes I’m a little jealous.)

Southern Illinois weather have been all kinds of screwed up lately. Four seasons in 3 days is a bit much. My sinuses have went nuts as well as everyone else within a hundred miles of me.

I’m battling a little insomnia right now, but it will pass. When my mind puts itself into overdrive, sometimes it has a hard time shutting down. It’s 12:44 AM and here I sit, rambling on about absolutely nothing.

I have really gotten into living back in my hometown. I’ve been away from Carmi for too long. It’s always been home, I was just too stubborn to admit it. It’s been really fun reconnecting with people I haven’t seen in 20+ years and it made me realize just how important these people have been to me. So many of them helped jump start the success of SeitzLife Art & Design and I will be forever grateful.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about the perfect solitude. And right now I think I’ve found it.

It’s been awhile.

FeelingsI fear I’ve lost it. I’m not sure when. I’m not sure how, but as I sit here today—and really the last several months—its occurred to me that there’s nothing left. This is difficult for me to even think, let alone say.

When I was little my parents went through what they went through and in turn as a 6 to 7-year-old, I went through what I thought was the worst thing a child could go through. Surviving that ordeal is, well, still is a process. Having the rug of a normal life pulled out from under me, it was a life goal to be what I thought was normal. I wanted nothing less than to have the perfect life, the perfect wife, the perfect kids and the perfect little house with the white picket fence. Odd for a guy to think that way maybe, but its the way it was, nonetheless.

I’ve always considered myself a very loving and caring person; nurturing, thoughtful. If you ask me I’ll swear I’ve always put everyone else first. In my life, I can remember putting myself first in only one instance. Lets just say that turned out horribly. Not because I put myself first but because I was blind and stupid (but that’s another story). Bottom line is I have always cared about others more than I cared about myself. I always have had so much love to give and with the lack of confidence in my physical appearance, I’ve always tried to be creative in the romance department.

One example of this is the way in which I proposed to my ex wife. I surprised her with a very public proposal on a sign in the middle of town, had the flowers and ring and all that you could think of that goes with the occasion. Over the years there have been many times I’ve went the extra mile to make moments with significant others very—no, extremely romantic. I’ve never been one to use anyone. I’ve never been the type of person looking for the quick, easy, good time. I’ve seen this many times with others, and to be honest, it always made me ill to see guys using women.

I’ve always been honest. If it wasn’t a long-term relationship I was looking for, I stated that up front. If it was an issue, then nothing else moved forward and there was no issue at all. I hold no grudges. I never pressured or got upset. For the most part I’ve always been too shy to be aggressive. I guess you could say I’ve always considered myself the hopeless romantic.

For some time now I’ve been in a funk of sorts. It’s the best I can describe it. With all that I’ve been through the last few years, its a wonder I still have any of my faculties left. With kids having kids they cant afford, a daughter who can’t ever seem to get her life going in the right direction, a father I never talk to, a job I hate, an ex that is nothing short of a black hole for money—I could keep going but I think my point.

With all this and more, I am nearly convinced that I’ve lost it. It being the operative word here. And it being the ability to care, to have feelings about anything. or anyone, the ability or maybe a better word is the willingness, to let anything or anyone get inside my mind, or worse yet, my heart. I’ve not ever had the empty feeling I have right now—empty and dark, closed to anything or anyone, outside of my own mind; even to the point where all I can stand anymore is to lock myself away in my truck and seclude myself from the outside world. Netflix has become the most important thing to me.

As sad as that is, I have no desire to talk to anyone. I have no desire to be around anyone. In fact, its so deep I get depressed more on the day I know I’m coming home than I am the day I am leaving out. I never thought I would get that way.

I used to enjoy conversation. I used to enjoy talking for hours. I used to love the fact that someone on the other end of the phone line was missing me. Now I really don’t care. I have a few close friends I could talk to. I have maybe one or two I could call right now or anytime and they would be happy to hear from me—at least I think they would. What I’m missing is the desire, the need. And honestly it’s nothing to do with them, it has nothing to do with anyone but me.

I don’t know when I became this way, or the reasons why. I’m not sure if I will ever know. What concerns me the most is will it ever end. What will it take for me to care again, to care at all about anything?

Mike-Michael Collard is one of my life-long friends. We cruised many back roads in his vintage ‘70 Mustang “back in the day.” Professionally, he has driven a truck over-the-road for as long as I can remember. Too many long roads have given him time to overthink everything and hone his outspoken, independent, hell-bent attitude. With a little coaxing I convinced him to share some of his writing with me to publish here. When not on the road, he spends a lot of weekends spoiling his seven grandkids.

It’s all about the look.

Sometimes I have to be in front of the camera. A flannel, t-shirt, jeans and work boots keep this girl happy and grounded. They also remind me how important hard work is.

What a month! After too many sleepless nights of doubting the pull that brought me home, finally some success. I have ran from Carmi for 20+ years, but now I’m glad to be back. I have made some great new friends, reconnected with old ones and have just been having a great time professionally and personally the past few weeks.

Thanks to some great new clients, I have been reintroduced to my old hometown. I have always had a lot of hometown pride, but it seems to be overflowing lately. I am an official, card-carrying member of the Carmi Chamber of Commerce. This might not sounds like much to you, but to me it is electric.

SeitzLife has been a dream for many years. Sure, I have been a semi-successful freelancer for years, but I  never had the guts to turn my back completely on a 9 to 5 job until recently. I feel liberated, ultra creative, and for the first time in a long time, I feel grounded.

I have started successfully marketing myself, instead of just my clients. Getting in front of the camera instead of behind it was terrifying, but worth it. My friend Jan took great pics of me and some of my employees. My media kit is fantabulous and prospective new clients have been eating them up.

I’m still looking for a permanent place to live, but when the time and place is right, one will be presented to me. I still stand by my old mantra that nothing can be forced, either professionally or personally. And I couldn’t agree more, now more than ever.

I still fight paralyzing self-doubt at times, but then I take a look at my resume, my accomplishments, my granddaughter and my great sons and realize I have nothing to worry about…EVER. Let all the worry go and just keep working toward success.


Me & Bulldog Mascot
Me and my high school mascot, Corn Day 2015.

I have been saying, “always believe something amazing is about to happen,” for quite some time now. The last few weeks have proven the truth of these words. I am working on an AMAZING website for some great clients. I had an AMAZING time at Corn Day 2015 in my hometown of Carmi, Illinois this past weekend. I think I have found an AMAZING place to live. And SeitzLife Art & Design has hired it’s first AMAZING employee since I have moved home.

To say I am feeling blessed is an understatement. In the thick of all this professional excitement, I also become Lizzy’s YaYa (that’s Greek for grandma) on August 21, 2015. She is absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way.

2015 has been a hard year, both professionally and personally. I have had to learn some hard lessons. I have had to let go of some anger and distrust I have been carrying around. It was hard to let some of them go. I have stepped back and looked at the big picture and realized what was/is important and let the rest go. I still consider myself a work in progress, but I am progressing quite well right now.

I have always been awesome at my job. When I decided to quit worrying about the personal stuff and concentrate on building my business, I found a calm and happiness that had been missing as of late. I also remembered not to take the happiness I do have for granted. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, and I never want to leave loose ends again. I still have a few I am trying to tie up.

Always believe something amazing is about to happen, because it is.



So today I am watching reruns of No Reservations, trying to figure out how to get Anthony Bourdain to share a meal with me, eating pistachios, nosing around on Facebook and Twitter, when I see what The Bloggess has tweeted. Go read and watch this right now. [Click here.]

Jenny never fails to make me laugh almost daily with her clever humor and banter on Twitter. And then I see these lovely people helping her promote her new book and I sob. They are all so beautiful, so brave and so unafraid of their own truth.

Say what you will about progress, but mental illness is still a taboo subject no one in my world wants to talk about. Sometimes I am paralyzed with self-doubt and depression, other days I am on top of the world. Depression is a dirty bitch that rears her ugly head way too often. Sometimes I can slap her down and sometimes she wins.

I have wrote a lot about not being unhappy, and it’s true. I think numb describes me more often than not. But even though I sobbed today, I was happy. And anytime there is even a little bit of happy, it’s a good day. Thanks Jenny!

Locked up tight.

LockedHeartI’m single. Yep, I’m a 44-year-old single woman. I have been single for a long, long time. And I probably will be for a long, long time to come. I didn’t consciously make the decision to be single, it’s more like I have just became accustomed to it.

I will be the first to admit I am hard to love. I am too much for most men to handle. I am fiercely independent, but want a boy to hold my hand. I have plenty of my own money, but my heart will melt when presented with a heartfelt gift—no matter what the cost. Sometimes I get wrapped up in a project and will forget about everything and everybody. I forget my cell phone, but go into a panic if I can’t get the boy on the phone. I am over confident, but sometimes I am paralyzed by self-doubt. I’m cool with a bologna sandwich, sweatpants and no shoes, but other times I want black tie and linen napkins. I am a barrel of contradictions.

I have recently spent a lot of time getting to know myself again. I had forgotten who I was. I have been spending time trying to figure out the balance of fun and work. I have been cooking more, spending time not being a hermit and trying not to do anything stupid. I have sat on my hands to keep myself in check.

But even tho I am strong—really strong, I still get lonely. It’s the little things I miss. I miss having someone to eat supper with. I miss simple conversation. I miss his melodies to my harmonies. I miss hearing the alarm, waking up and realizing I am not alone in a big bed. It’s been a long time since I shared a bed, or anything else with a boy, but now I might be ready to try again.

I guess I have had my heart locked up for too long and now it wants out. No one is more surprised than me. I have kept it too guarded and never revealed all of myself to anyone. Maybe that’s my major life mistake. I have never trusted enough to show myself entirely to someone. Maybe I never will. But at least now I’m ready to try.

Buck up.

I have been whiney, unmotivated, making excuses and generally just feeling sorry for my damn self. I recently told a good friend that sometimes self-doubt paralyzes me, and right now that couldn’t be more true. I am questioning everything about me. I can’t even remember who I am. I can’t remember how I like my eggs. I can’t remember what “normal” is.

Too many different assignments have left me questioning everything good in the world right now. And to top it off, I evidently have started caring what people think about me. What? I know, right.

I have trusted people who didn’t deserve my trust. And people have judged me too harshly for things I had no control over. I have distanced myself from almost everyone. I have taken back my solitude. But this time I don’t like it.

I feel like I am not being heard. Wait, I don’t feel like people aren’t hearing me, I just don’t think they are listening. It’s not that I have a lot to say, but what I do have to say is important.

I have been listening to too much h 90’s County music and that is affecting my mood too. As much I couldn’t live well without music, this stuff is messing with my mojo. And I want to smoke. I want to smoke 458 cigarettes. But, I won’t.

I’m dwelling on the past too much and failing to look to the future. I can’t find a job in Southern Illinois. Since I spent 16 months in St Louis at a 9 to 5 job, I let a lot of my freelance clients move on to other design houses. I have quite a bit in the bank, but I haven’t added to it in a few months and that is making me very nervous and unsettled. I have said “it’s only money, I’ll make more,” a lot to my friends in the past few years, but now I need to make more for my own peace of mind.

I’m stressed and I don’t like it. Who wants to go on vacation?