EyesI haven’t been writing much lately. It’s been really hard not to. I have written a little bit on a half a dozen legal pads I have laying around, but it’s not the same as writing here. I have found myself expecting the worst, seeing everything in the worst possible light. I have a lot of incredible, cool, happy things going on in my life right now, both professionally and personally. Yet I am unable to write about them. There are privacy issues, and “it’s nobody’s business” issues and even a few things I’m not ready to write about yet. But I think the hardest part about not writing is just the solitude of the writing process—it’s just me and my words. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed me lately. But, I see myself in a totally different way now. I am going to wear a dress for the first time in more than 13 years. I may learn how to be comfortable without my mask. I believe that some day I will be able to take 6 months and just write and live and nothing else. I think I’m going to get back to the lake real soon—and stay there. I think I may actually get a little piece of happiness. But sometimes my self-doubt and over-analyzing mind takes over and all I see is the bad. I see me failing miserably. I see him leaving. I see my heart break into a million pieces. And then I shut my eyes, think about him kissing me and enjoy the butterflies in my stomach. Tomorrow may be the day that changes everything, I can see it.

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