It’s hard for me to keep quiet. When I’m happy I tell everybody, when I’m sad I cry with my friends. And, I’m an open book. Those closest to me know everything about me—the good, the bad and the ugly. Right now they know I am very happy, but they also know I am very sad and very scared. I’m happy because of who has reappeared in my life. They also know this is the reason I am sad and very scared too. I’m happy because I have started to look forward to tomorrow. I’m happy because I’m no longer coasting along. I’m happy because I’m looking at my bottom line, and it’s not too bad (and all the numbers are really pretty.) I’m no longer making excuses. I’m taking a chance—a big chance. This is also what makes me sad and scared. I’m not an optimistic by nature, quite the opposite. I’m just waiting for the ball to drop.
I have caught myself thinking about “happily every after.” But what is that really? For me it’s waking up every morning and seeing the person I love. It’s the quick pecks on the cheek and the long, passionate, toe-curling kisses. It’s butterflies in my stomach when I think of him. It’s me not being able to shut up when I talk to him on the phone. I seriously just babble on about anything and everything just to keep him on the line—I love his voice. It’s holding hands in the car. It’s him always saying the right thing. Thinking about hard hats and tool boxes makes me smile. Our ESPN is crazy cool and I love it. And then I stop myself. I don’t want to think about all that because it could disappear without a moment’s notice.
I’m scared because I may not be good enough. I’m scared because it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I’m scared because my life will never ever be the same. I’m scared I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and never get to finish what we started. I’m sad because my actions are affecting someone else’s life that I don’t even know. And then I’m selfish because I don’t care.
“I can almost see it.
That dream I’m dreaming, but
There’s a voice inside my head saying
You’ll never reach it.” —Jessi Alexander and Jon Mabe
I have never wanted to be wrong, but I know I want to be wrong. Maybe my fear is unfounded, maybe this is our time. Maybe tomorrow morning he will wake up and realize that he absolutely cannot live without me. Yep, that could happen.