I have been thinking about the past ALOT lately. I’ve been trying to remember what was real, and what wasn’t. I have also been reliving every bad choice I made, the horrible words I said and the consequences of all that. It would be easy to say that I am glad I made all the mistakes I did, because it brought to where I am now, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I was pissed off for a long time and it took a long time for me to let that go. Maybe I am happy with where I am now, but I sure wasn’t back then. While looking thru some old pictures I came to realize that my appearance has drastically changed in the past 15 or so years. I have had some pretty wild hair and make-up. In some of those pics I actually didn’t recognize myself. It made me think about how I was always trying to be somebody else back then, never happy with who or what I was. I can’t say exactly when I stopped this mentality—maybe I’m still got it a little bit. But I have definitely learned how to be happy in my own skin. Maybe happy isn’t the right word, comfortable would probably be better. Yeah, I am comfortable in my own skin.
For almost 10 years I have been coasting along. Sure, I have built up my business, paid my bills, bought and sold a few houses, moved away and then came back, took some jobs and quit some—but that’s just all part of life. Donnie, Jaclyn, Chad and I had a conversation many years ago over too much booze about the “Perfect Life” and from time to time I still go back to that conversation. All our lives were so different then. Donnie & Jaclyn were just friends that night and now they are getting married in a few weeks. Chad and I are just like we were back then, just friends. But all four of us are still a very important part of all our lives. Good friends are hard to find and I tend to hang on to the ones I care about the most.
Anyway, back to the “Perfect Life” conversation. We all voiced our opinion of the perfect life, but the one thing that stands out is after everything was said and done, we all wanted the same thing. We all wanted someone to love us unconditionally and us them, someone to come home to, someone to just be there. We all had good jobs, homes, great friends—everything. But we all had enough alcohol in us to admit that we didn’t have the one thing that we all really wanted. It was one of those conversations we would have never had if booze had not been involved, but I’m glad we had it. We are all really close, but we had never had a conversation like that before.
I have spent the last 20 years pushing away a lot of boys. I even married one, but never really let him in. Recently, I have been trying to figure out if I am strong enough to let someone in. Am I strong enough to show him all my weaknesses, all my strengths and all my flaws? Is he strong enough to handle me? What scares me the most is that when I talk to him my filter is completely off. Not just a little off, but completely off. I am an open book, and I don’t really know how I feel about that. As much as I want to be completely honest with him, there are definitely some things in my past that I don’t want to talk about; not because they are necessarily awful, but that they are just embarrassing. And if he asks, of course I will tell him. (Back to my filter being completely off.)
The most surprising thing about him is that he prefers me with no makeup, just natural. I literally caught myself the other day saying I needed to get in the shower and then “put my mask on”—meaning my makeup. I am still trying to figure out how I feel about no makeup, no mask. I have been able to send him a few selfies o’naturale, but that is not the same as being face to face. Maybe soon I will be ready to take off my mask for him. Maybe something needs to change in me first. Maybe with him too.