What exactly does “not unhappy” mean? I’m not sure, but I have been saying it a lot lately. So many people lately have told me to just do what makes me happy and I don’t know how to respond to this. Am I happy all the time? Of course not. Am I unhappy? No, but I am sad sometimes. I just respond with “I’m not unhappy right now.”
I guess as I get older my definition of happy changes. I used to think happiness was the husband and wife, kids, white picket fence, etc. Now I know my kind of happiness is the random moments that turn into great memories. Right now happiness is: Brandon and Luc, phone calls with an old friend, phone calls and txts from a new one, everything that has to do with a body of water, all the stuff going on with SeitzLife and Seitz Construction, Twinkies, Mountain Dew, Carrot Cake, being able to go home whenever I want to, Jeeps, and knowing that every disappointment, heartbreak and mistake I go thru teaches me something.
Sometimes it is hard to grasp just how lucky I am. I get to do a job I love every single day. I have two awesome sons who just continue to amaze me. I may not be rich, but I never go hungry or unclothed. I always have a place to lay my head with a roof over it, whether it be in Illinois or Kentucky. I have the unconditional love of my parents. I have a lot of amazing people in my life who I know I can call any time day or night. I get to write whenever I want about whatever I want. Yet, something is missing, but I don’t know what. I know I want to do more in life, I just don’t know what.
Today an old friend told me I make all decisions quick and I can change my mind in a split second and go in an entirely different direction. I guess I don’t feel grounded right now. But how do I get grounded? Maybe I am just over obsessing about the physical pain I am in right now and it is blurring my judgement. Maybe I am thinking too much about the past and forgetting to live for now and the future. Maybe I need a good therapist.
Maybe I should just stick to my mantra of being a work in progress and just get up in the morning and start all over again, again.