Stats.

I was looking at the stats from seitzlife.com and came across this from yesterday, and it made me smile.

Pabst

The one that got away.

PinkLast night I was watching Pink, Live in London on the big screen, by myself, while I attempted to write something of substance. Pink is on my top 10 of favorite female musical artists list. She is an incredible writer and her vocals are fantastic. She also puts on a good show. “The One That Got Away” was in her set list and although I have heard it a hundred times, this one time it made one solitary tear tumble down my left cheek. I don’t know why it hit me so hard this time and not all the others, but it did. And today I am watching “Practical Magic” (one of my favorite movies) against my better judgement. I don’t believe in fairy tales or happy endings, yet today they seem to be foremost in my mind.

[Sally’s letter to Gillian] Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.

You were mine
In the back of my mind
Oh just for one night
Just for a while

You were mine
Somewhere in time
I’ll look for you first
In my next life

I had a dream of us hugging last night. I woke up and could feel you, smell you, see you.
Always,
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GaGa over GaGa.

GaGa_and_JulieAndrews
Lady GaGa and Julie Andrews, Oscars 2015. A perfect moment captured after a beautiful performance.

OK, I will admit it, I had never really gave Lady GaGa a second thought. I just assumed she was all hype, meat dresses and made up weirdness. I never thought about her musical talent. Then there was the Oscars on Sunday. Wow! She sang a medley of songs from one of my favorite childhood movies, The Sound of Music, and just absolutely nailed it. Her pitch was perfect, she looked beautiful and her sound just almost took my breathe away. So then I decided I should maybe listen to some of her stuff and instantly fell in love with this. I love music with a message. She may have jumpstarted my creative juices, which have needed a swift kick in the ass lately. I have been somewhat paralyzed lately and being around and influenced by creative people feels great. It’s nice to be reminded that we artists may be an eclectic bunch, but we are true to ourselves. I don’t know how to be anybody but me, no matter what anybody else thinks. No apologies for being me. I’m single, white and straight, but that doesn’t mean I am the only one born perfect.  “I’m beautiful in my way, ’cause God makes no mistakes.” Thanks GaGa.

Born This Way (The Country Road Version)

It doesn’t matter if you love him or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
‘Cause you were born this way, baby

My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir

There’s nothin’ wrong with lovin’ who you are
She said, ’cause He made you perfect, babe
So hold your head up,
girl and you’ll go far
Listen to me when I say

I’m beautiful in my way
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don’t hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way, born this way

Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way

Don’t be a drag, just be a queen
Don’t be a drag, just be a queen
Don’t be a drag, just be a queen
Don’t be

Give yourself prudence and love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice of truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M
I love my life, I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah

I’m beautiful in my way,
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don’t hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way

Don’t be drag, just be a queen
Whether you’re broke or evergreen
You’re black, white, beige, chola descent
You’re Lebanese, you’re orient

Whether life’s disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
‘Cause baby, you were born this way

No matter gay, straight or bi
Lesbian, transgendered life
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born to survive

No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave

I’m beautiful in my way
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don’t hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way, yeah

Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way
I was born this way, hey
I was born this way, hey
I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way, hey

I was born this way, hey
I was born this way, hey
I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way, hey

Read more:  Lady GaGa – Born This Way Lyrics | MetroLyrics

What is real?

There will always been room for your hand in mine.
There will always be room for your hand in mine.

I have been trying to distinguish the difference between real and fake. Recently, my memories may be altered, I may not be remembering things as they actually were. And I have no way to know for sure. I am sad that what I remember may not be real. I want my memories back.

I have watched way too much TV lately. I’m late to the game, but am absolutely obsessed with “The Walking Dead” and of course Saul afterwards. I have rewatched every single episode of “Covert Affairs”, and only one person knows why. I have also been watching Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In, which has improved my mood tremendously. I had forgotten how funny and cutting edge they were for 1968-1972. Goldie Hawn was/is so beautiful and her role was priceless.

The weather has been horrible here. Southern Illinois and Western Kentucky has turned into a deep freeze. Bitter, bitter cold has paralyzed the region and me too. I have taken a few days to regroup at my folks’. And that seems to have helped a bit. At least I’m writing again. Brandon is hopefully going to bring me my sketchbook and pencils tomorrow morning.

I have downloaded A LOT of music too. It has been a challenge to keep my iPod charged up. Some days I listen to all hair bands, other times it’s all tear-jerking, sappy, cheesy love songs. What can I say? I’m diverse. Song lyrics are the accompaniment to my life. (#80 of My 100). And why have I just discovered the greatness that is Pandora? I have been missing out.

I have also been busy buying stuff for Andy and getting licensing, merchandise, etc ready for Kentucky. We have also spent many nights after 9 pm just laughing at whatever we were watching on TV and eating delicious food he makes. To say he has a very special place in my heart is an understatement. I have had a lot of diversions lately and he has tried his best to keep me on track. Sometime he wins and sometimes he doesn’t.

My latest technical battle has been with an iPhone 5C. This particular phone is somewhat of an oddity. It’s CDMA and GSM. Alltel was the last carrier, which is CDMA. I unlocked GSM part, but the CDMA is giving me fits. I really think a hammer is the only option. Matt and Ashley are my two new friends at Apple and we have been talking almost daily for the past week. They are learning as much from me as I am from them. I have also changed out the hard drive in my MacBook Pro and have been loading software for the past two days. I have upgraded my Creative Suite to CC and I haven’t had a chance to really use it and decide if I like it or not. Right now I am downloading a copy of Windows to install on my Mac. I used Boot Camp a few years back to do this for a friend of mine, but I am not really feeling it for me. The only reason I am corrupting my Mac is because so much CDMA software is PC and also since Apple released the 8.1.3 OS update for iPhone, I haven’t been able to jailbreak my phone, and I hear though the grapevine that there is a PC way to do this. We shall see.

Always,
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Distracted.

I will admit it, I have been distracted lately by things that don’t matter. The Tina and Saul drama doesn’t affect me in any way, so I should just quit thinking about it and let law enforcement do it’s job.

Witnessing horrible relationships have made me appreciate the great ones I have in my life. I have some amazing friends who swarm in when they need to. They never judge and they truly understand unconditional love. And I love them too. And I think I have finally convinced my heart to listen to my brain for once. They say that the best comes from the worst and that is where I am putting my faith right now. So far it’s working, and if it doesn’t, I’m OK with that too.

This has been a long week. I have more questions than answers and I wonder just how much of everything I have been told is a lie. Just because I don’t respond doesn’t mean I don’t care, it just means I can’t. I can’t because it will only make things worse. I will not relax my morals. I will not relax my standards. And I definitely will not sacrifice my happiness. Things are going too well for me right now to get off track and confuse real love for fake love. I like everything real and that is where I am going to stay.

There is no room in my life for fake anything. I work hard, play hard and love hard. And so far, this chapter has the makings of the best one yet. And, I let him hold my hand. Yep, that’s progress.
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It begins.

So, after yesterday’s explanation of what has been going on with Saul and Tina, I decided to just start the ball rolling on getting to the bottom of this. I found Tina on Facebook and sent her this message (I have only edited the names to post here, I used the real names in the message):

It has been brought to my attention that the conversations and text messages between Saul and myself, and Saul and other people are being intercepted. He has also told me that you claim to have a friend and ex-classmate who works for the FBI who is relaying the information to you. My attorney and myself would like his name.

It was promptly marked as seen and then I was blocked. Imagine that. I wonder why she wouldn’t give me his name. Maybe because he doesn’t exist?

After a few well placed phone calls I have found out that recording me without my knowledge and then using that information is a very serious crime. Impersonating a Federal Agent is even more serious. Of course, I only know what Saul has told me. He assures me she has said she has heard a lot of our conversations, as well as others Saul has had with other people. After speaking to him he assured me everything he has told me up to the point is truth and he will be honest with investigators as they try to get to the bottom of this. Can’t wait for the truth to come out and the drama to stop.
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Not unhappy, again.

WeddingThere has been too much conversation lately about how I should be married. My friends suck. They mean well, but sometimes I don’t think they know me at all. They are all mostly happily married and want me to be happy too. I’m not unhappy, but I don’t think being married would make me happy. I think they have forgotten what I have said for the past 5+ years, yet they are planning my hypothetical wedding. And why, with all my epic failed relationships, do they almost always come to me for advice when they have problems? I am not the expert, nor a role model.

But, why am I not married? I’m stubborn. I’m set in my ways and my ways are the best. I don’t share well. If I want to do something, I do it. I like expensive shoes and electronics. I quote random song lyrics at inappropriate times. I want him around when I want him around, and I can’t be forced to be in his company. My solitude is very important. I’m grouchy. I trust no one. When I don’t get a joke, I’m pissed. I would rather go to a funeral than a wedding. I’m selfish. I rant—a lot. I want to smoke every minute of every day, although I limit myself to one puff every month or so. I have unrealistic expectations. Although I consider myself a modern woman, I still like most stereotypical gender rolls—I will vacuum, he will take out the trash. I sleep in the middle of the bed. I overthink everything. I still talk to a lot of my exes. I am super private. I’m kinda bossy. I have only one feeling and I guard is fiercely. I sometimes don’t answer my phone for days or weeks, but I always expect him to answer his. I will probably never let anyone completely in. I am not responsible enough to be part of someone else’s happiness. When I’m in a bad mood I take it out on everyone. I am sometimes unkind.

And on the flip side: I am awesome and only want to be told once a day. I am loyal to a fault. I buy my own expensive shoes and electronics, but love unexpected surprises. I can cook very well, but love to share my kitchen. I give great gifts. I’m not afraid of getting dirty and I love to weld. I am just as comfortable in kick-ass heels as I am in my work boots, although I prefer sweatpants and a safety green t-shirt. I love unconditionally. I am full of myself and sometimes a tad condescending, but I earned it. I am very sentimental, and a tear can run down my cheek easily. I love writing and receiving love letters. Hold my hand and I will go anywhere with you.

I was supposed to write about chicken, but somehow this post happened.
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