Back at it.

I’ve walked away from this so many times, and then walked back. I have a bad habit of only writing when I’m sad or upset. Well, I’m both sad and upset.

As much as try to stay away from drama, I have some drama that has been following me for more than four years. I should have went to the police a long time ago, but I just signed the formal complaint this past Friday, after talking to the PD for almost a week.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I had private pictures texted to me from an all too familiar number that I have never called one time and that I definitely never sent personal photos too. Please don’t lecture me about this. I know I shouldn’t have sent them to him, no matter how much I trusted him. I have never sent them to anyone else in my life, and now I know why.

But there is so much more to this than the photos. I believed him when he said he was done with her. I believed him when he told me he loved me. I believed him when he told me he felt sorry for her and she needed a job and he needed the help. I believed him when he said he had never given her access to his phone or anything else. I believed him when he said to be patient. I shouldn’t have.

For years she has tracked his phone, recorded our conversations and then tried to blame me for it, with some success. He sat at my mom and dad’s kitchen table and told my mom that the FBI was recording us and a friend was sending the recordings to protect him from me. That was a total made-up lie. The crazy stalker had simply put an app on his phone. The PD told me all about how this works. Even one of her friends told him she was doing it. I thought it would stop after that. But he told me recently that it had not.

I can’t even remember how many times I have changed my phone number in the past four years. I don’t know how many months we went without speaking and he told me old recordings would still pop up. It it legal in Illinois to record video of someone, but illegal to record someone’s voice without their permission. Thanks for the Carmi PD for informing me.

After the pictures started coming to me last week I got really, really mad. I got so mad that it clouded my judgement. I made threats to him that I shouldn’t have. Although everything I posted on Facebook and sent to him was true, I should have just kept them to myself. I made the threats public because I thought if I would hurt him and she knew it, then she would stop, even though I had no plans of ever going thru with them. I got the last picture last Monday, but I’m still actively working with the police to prosecute her.

She has hijacked my life. They both have. I don’t know exactly what’s going on between them, and don’t want to know. It’s not about that. Sure I’m hearbroke, but now I feel violated.

I’m not going to quit until the truth comes out. I need that for my own satisfaction. It may take a week, it may take a month, it may take a year. I don’t care. It will come out.

The quote, “the truth is the truth no matter who believes it,” has kept me going for years, but now it means so much more.

 

Patience, ugh!

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions. –Unknown

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Rockin’ my favorite jacket.

I have been really, really struggling with patience lately. I have been told to be patient. I know I should be patient. I am not patient. Sure, I have A LOT of questions rolling around in my head (especially when I am trying to sleep). And I have always been a girl of action. But right now I am inactive. My hands have been tied (metaphorically) and I can do nothing about it except wait. And then wait some more. And then I might even have to wait a little bit longer.

I have started questioning all my goals, all my values, all that I believe to be true. I have started questioning loyalty, privacy (or just the idea of it) and especially solitude. Not only is this going on in my professional life, but it’s also going on in my private life too.

I always thought I knew what I wanted. I have been paying my penance to hopefully achieve this happiness for at least a decade. I wonder when it will ever be enough. I wonder if it really is what I want now. The right thing is never the easiest (No. 29). But lately I can’t even seem to distinguish between right and wrong. And I don’t know who can tell me the difference.

I have worked hard, played hard and loved hard. Scratch that. I have worked hard, played hard and almost loved hard. I have put up a wall around me I’m not letting anybody in. It’s been up for awhile. I have been around my parents too much lately. Their love story is epic and I am jealous of it every single day.

Sometimes a hug from my best friend makes everything better. It helped a little bit today. It also helped that he let me ramble on, cry, moan, whine, state the facts, rant and then rant some more and then cry again. And he never once judged me. He just listened and then told me to get up tomorrow and try again. I think I will take his advise….again.
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Write.

Write BuzzFeed had this article that I totally stole all these quotes from. They had them all in ugly, big graphics, and I just wanted the words. When I can’t write, I read, and these quotes have kept me going over the years.

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” -Anne Lamott

“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” -James Joyce

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worse enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” -Sylvia Plath

“Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.” -Natalie Goldberg

“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.” -Kurt Vonnegut

“Quiet people have the loudest minds.” -Stephen King

“I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I’m afraid of.” -Joss Whedon

“If it is still in your mind. It is worth taking the risk.” -Paulo Coelho

“The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.” -Anais Nin

“No black woman writer in this culture can write ‘too much’. Indeed, no woman writer can write ‘too much’. No woman has ever written enough.” -Bell Hooks

“If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you’ll never learn.” -Ray Bradbury

“If I waited for perfection I would never write a word.” -Margaret Atwood

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.” -Cyril Connolly

“Be the instrument playing the sound of your life’s passing.” -Jonathan Safran Foer

“Get it down. Take chances. It may be bad, but it’s the only way you can do anything really good.” -William Faulkner

“You can’t blame a writer for what the characters say.” -Truman Capote

“We can destroy what we have written but we cannot unwrite it.” -Anthony Burgess

“I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.” -Jarod Kintz

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” – Joan Didion

“If you don’t care for obscenity, you don’t care for the truth.” -Tim O’Brien

“There is no denying the wild horse in us.” -Virginia Woolf

“A writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, or because everything she does is golden. A writer is a writer because, even when there is not hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway.” -Junot Diaz

“Writing a novel is a terrible experience, during which the hair often falls out and the teeth decay. I’m always irritated by people who imply that writing fiction is an escape from reality. It is a plunge into reality and it’s very shocking to the system.” -Flannery O’Connor

“The books that the world call immoral are the books that show the world it’s own shame.” -Oscar Wilde

“Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say.” -Mitch Albom

Long snow days.

We’ve been snowed in for the past 4 days and it has been a nice break from the real world. Of course I have ate entirely too much, but I have stuck with my workout routine except for the walking. I’m with good friends who make me laugh, make me feel safe and always have my back. I’ve always been a loner, but it’s always good for me to spend time with my friends and family.

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I’ve been dealing with a pretty serious case of writer’s block for quite some time and decided a break is what I needed. I didn’t take a trip, I just started reading. I read a lot Dorothy Parker, David Eddings, Ernest Hemingway, Stephen King and John Irving. I thought their words would inspire me, and they have. Sometimes writing comes so easily for me, and other times not so much. I also realized that my writing here is so much different that what I write for publication. I take so many liberties with punctuation, emphasis, special characters, etc. here and we all know that isn’t acceptable for print. I write on here like I talk—conversational. Is it easier? Maybe. But it definitely reflects my personality much more accurately.

I chose the Hemingway quote as a specific inspiration. Everyone has events and circumstances in their life that has hurt them. As much as I don’t want to relive mine, I’m going to give Hemingway’s advise a try. His writing is so real to me. I can hear the ocean, I can smell the tavern, I can hear the music and I can feel his emotion in everything he wrote and he makes me feel like I am sitting right there beside him. “The Sun Also Rises” is my favorite of his novels and I love the characters and I love the story.

I’m not Hemingway, but I’m going to write about what I know—the good, the bad and the ugly and see where it takes me.
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So…

ChalkboardQuote01Recently I have became good friends with Writer’s Block. That might be a little misleading, I actually have alot I want to write about, but respecting the privacy of some people in my life has played havoc on what I can write here. So, in my attempt to find a topic I took to my “Words” board on Pinterest for inspiration and found this quote. I am sure that nothing I ever write will be perfect, but I am sure gonna give it a try. I know my grammar will sometimes be questionable and I am sure my spelling will be even worse, but hopefully a story will come out in the end. But today, this is all I have. Hopefully tomorrow will bring a story. If not, maybe I will just post one of the recipes from my kitchen. Either way it will be a win/win.

And progress on the diet is moving along. Day 3 and I haven’t went over my self-imposed 2,000 calories a day limit. Next Monday I start the workout part of the diet.
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