Amazing.

Me & Bulldog Mascot
Me and my high school mascot, Corn Day 2015.

I have been saying, “always believe something amazing is about to happen,” for quite some time now. The last few weeks have proven the truth of these words. I am working on an AMAZING website for some great clients. I had an AMAZING time at Corn Day 2015 in my hometown of Carmi, Illinois this past weekend. I think I have found an AMAZING place to live. And SeitzLife Art & Design has hired it’s first AMAZING employee since I have moved home.

To say I am feeling blessed is an understatement. In the thick of all this professional excitement, I also become Lizzy’s YaYa (that’s Greek for grandma) on August 21, 2015. She is absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way.

2015 has been a hard year, both professionally and personally. I have had to learn some hard lessons. I have had to let go of some anger and distrust I have been carrying around. It was hard to let some of them go. I have stepped back and looked at the big picture and realized what was/is important and let the rest go. I still consider myself a work in progress, but I am progressing quite well right now.

I have always been awesome at my job. When I decided to quit worrying about the personal stuff and concentrate on building my business, I found a calm and happiness that had been missing as of late. I also remembered not to take the happiness I do have for granted. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, and I never want to leave loose ends again. I still have a few I am trying to tie up.

Always believe something amazing is about to happen, because it is.
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After midnight.

I have realized I do my best writing after midnight. Well, maybe not my best writing, but my most honest writing. And since right now my sleep patterns are kind of crazy and it’s a little after 1 a.m. I will write.

I have caught myself thinking too much lately. I’ve been thinking about someone. I’m really pissed off at myself for even letting this happen. I’m not anti-dating, anti-boy or anti-anything. It’s just that I made the conscious decision almost 5 years ago to date like a man. This means, no strings, no expectations, no long term, no getting used to anybody, no toothbrush at his house, no commitment, no nothing.

Call me callous, but this has worked relatively well for me for the past five years. Then last year I let my guard down temporarily and got burnt horribly. I knew better, and my heart payed the price.

Don’t get my wrong, I am far from perfect girlfriend material. Click here to read a post from back in January where I explain some of this. I think part of my problem is I have been in self-imposed isolation for too long. I have gotten too used to being on my own. I love the perfect solitude, but right now all I can think about is not being alone and it is freaking me out. And, I have turned down 4 guys in the last month.

I am so sick of all my friends telling me just to do what makes me happy. Wanna know what makes me happy? Brandon and Luc, beautiful flowers, unlimited Mountain Dew and Twinkies, loud music, water (ocean or lake), medium rare steak, my phone ringing, Adelitas Way and Cracker Barrel salad—just to name a few.

It’s hard for me to admit, but thinking about him still gives me butterflies. I can’t shake it. I can’t figure out if this a good thing or a bad thing. Worse yet, is I just wrote it here and he’ll probably read it at some point. I haven’t figured out how far I can put my guard down, still be completely honest, but not scare him off and not lose myself in the process. Does that even make sense?

For now, I will remain calm, listen more than talk (which is easy, because I love the sound of his voice), pray a situation works itself out sooner rather than later and try to carry on with business as usual. Right now business as usual is getting back to making money, figuring out exactly where I want to live and then doing something about it. The kicker is doing all this without thinking about him. Fat chance.

I have said, “it is what it is” way too many times lately. And although it is correct, I want to never have a reason to say it again. I respect the situation, but I don’t like it. I even understand it, but I don’t like it. I want him to be happy and I want to help with that. I want to take care of him—and him take care of me. I want dull Saturday nights with him curled up on the couch, eating pizza and watching the big screen. I want Sunday afternoon ballgames at Busch Stadium with him. I wanna get started spoiling my grand daughter (she’ll be here August 22). I want him to realize his happiness is important.

I want him to choose me and let the rest work itself out. Isn’t it about time for something amazing to happen?
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Open road.

NewYork

There is a certain intimacy between two people when they ride in a truck together for four days straight. Long conversations were had, confessions were made, secrets were shared and there were also some great political debates. We are both smart enough to appreciate our differences. And talking about the past—our failures, successes, heartbreak, love and everything else in between felt good.

I have always claimed to be an open book. And that is not inaccurate. But I don’t volunteer a lot of what I consider personal info about myself. If asked about something directly, I will always tell the truth, just maybe not the entire story. There has always been a part of me that has stayed hidden.

Now, I feel the wall coming down. I haven’t revealed everything in my soul, but I now feel safe if I want to. Life slowed down for four days, although the days seem to have flown by. I actually had time to think. My phone didn’t ring much, I wasn’t at my overflowing desk, and I had no interruptions. It made me realize there are a lot of things I want to say, when the time is right.

I have decisions to make. Some of them are pretty big. I have always trusted my gut. Sometimes this has been an asset and sometimes not. My instinct has sometimes let me down. In recent years I have tried to make decisions with no emotion. But right now, I think I should let my heart back into the equation.

I have stopped worrying about the future. I know it’s cliché, but whatever is meant to be will find a way. I have to force myself to remember I am only responsible for my own happiness—everybody else is on their own. Of course seeing the people I care about happy, makes me happy, but they need to make their own happiness. I also have to be reminded that when the people I love are hurting, I have to let them find their own way. I have to let them make their own decisions, even if I think they are wrong.

Sometimes screwed up circumstances bring people closer together. Dealing with problems with a partner sometimes makes them easier to handle. No one should have to face hard times alone, unless they want to. A cure for a seemingly impossible situation can be solved, or at least made easier, with the support of someone who cares. Having a sounding board is always a good thing too.

I’m ready to get back in the truck again, but my day job will probably prevent it for at least a few weeks. But my laundry is done and my bag is repacked, and who knows, maybe I might get back on the road again sooner than expected, it all depends on the decisions I make.

A wall comes down. True and pure love between friends is the best kind.
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Yes, no, maybe.

decision-makingHow can I make an unemotional decision? I think it is nearly impossible. I’ve made a list of pros and cons, but some of them are emotional—both good and bad. I simply cannot take my heart out of the equation. And I don’t know if I really want to. I have polled my crowd with mixed opinions. They all agree that I should do what I think will make me happy. The problem is I really don’t know what that is right now. I know what would make me happy emotionally. But does the “happily every after” ending really exist anymore? I am 43 years old, successful, independent and pretty strong, but sometimes I find myself dreaming about fairy tales. I am old enough to know this is not even close to reality, but it is still where my mind goes when it wanders. Maybe I have been in my self-imposed exile for too long. I don’t know if I have enough trust in another human being to let them in on an intimate level. Of course I trust my friends unconditionally, but a boy is another story entirely. I have held onto a dream for too long, and now that it might be here I’m afraid I’m going to screw it all up. Maybe the problem with this decision is there is no clear right or wrong. But, I really don’t know how to list all the yes and no’s and not come up with a maybe.
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