16Apr

It is what it is. (sorry)

Love-StoryIt’s hard for me to keep quiet. When I’m happy I tell everybody, when I’m sad I cry with my friends. And, I’m an open book. Those closest to me know everything about me—the good, the bad and the ugly. Right now they know I am very happy, but they also know I am very sad and very scared. I’m happy because of who has reappeared in my life. They also know this is the reason I am sad and very scared too. I’m happy because I have started to look forward to tomorrow. I’m happy because I’m no longer coasting along. I’m happy because I’m looking at my bottom line, and it’s not too bad (and all the number are really pretty.) I’m no longer making excuses. I’m taking a chance—a big chance. This is also what makes me sad and scared. I’m not an optimistic by nature, quite the opposite. I’m just waiting for the ball to drop.

I have caught myself thinking about “happily every after.” But what is that really? For me it’s waking up every morning and seeing the person I love. It’s the quick pecks on the cheek and the long, passionate, toe-curling kisses. It’s butterflies in my stomach when I think of him. It’s me not being able to shut up when I talk to him on the phone. I seriously just babble on about anything and everything just to keep him on the line—I love his voice. It’s holding hands in the car. It’s him always saying the right thing. Thinking about hard hats and tool boxes makes me smile. Our ESPN is crazy cool and I love it. And then I stop myself. I don’t want to think about all that because it could disappear without a moment’s notice.

I’m scared because I may not be good enough. I’m scared because it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I’m scared because my life will never ever be the same. I’m scared I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and never get to finish what we started. I’m sad because my actions are affecting someone else’s life that I don’t even know. And then I’m selfish because I don’t care.

“I can almost see it.
That dream I’m dreaming, but
There’s a voice inside my head saying
You’ll never reach it.” —Jessi Alexander and Jon Mabe

I have never wanted to be wrong, but I now I want to be wrong. Maybe my fear is unfounded, maybe this is our time. Maybe tomorrow morning he will wake up and realize that he absolutely cannot live without me. Yep, that could happen. Sig

15Apr

Off the grid.

So, I’m off the grid, everywhere but here—no Facebook, no twitter, no nothing. But I still think about him every minute of every day, even if I don’t, and can’t post about him. #thatisall

14Apr

Seeing stars.

Kiss

14Apr

Fire.

FireI just printed out 82 pages and burnt them. Yep, threw them in dad’s wood burner. Then I went back in the house and drug the file to the trash and emptied it. It’s gone. No going back. My novel is history. It’s time to quit writing about the past and live now. It’s time to quit dreaming about writing a happy ending, it’s time to live the happy ending. I’m not going to quit writing, I’m just done with that story. I want to live the story I’ve been writing and now is the time to do it. Dreaming and writing was the easy part. Letting myself live it is going to be the hard part. But, I’m ready.
Sig

14Apr

My 10.

Ten things I could not live without:

  1. Brandon & Luc
  2. Mom & Dad
  3. TwinkiesThe dream of him.
  4. MacBook Pro & Super Mouse
  5. Twinkies & Mountain Dew
  6. Mascara, chapstick and a fingernail file
  7. A fan
  8. Good music
  9. Hope
  10. Forgiveness

My writing A game is on the back burner right now. Someone (actually, the one) thinks I may be writing about one subject too much. So, until I figure out what else to write about, here is just one of many random posts and many more to come.
Sig

 

14Apr

Rainy days.

I really, really hate most of the new country stuff that has been released in the past few years, but I do love this song. It’s on my Kelly Clarkson Greatest Hits album with Jason Aldean singing along on this track. This rainy day has made me daydream and by daydream I mean think about every possible thing I could do to make him choose me. And then I realize that all I can be is me, and maybe that’s enough.

 

I really hate to let this moment go
Touching your skin, and your hair falling slow
When a goodbye kiss, feels like this

Don’t you wanna stay here a little while?
Don’t you wanna hold each other tight?
Don’t you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?

Don’t you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don’t you wanna stay?

Let’s take it slow, I don’t wanna move too fast
I don’t wanna just make love, I wanna make love last
When you’re up this high, it’s a sad goodbye

Don’t you wanna stay here a little while?
Don’t you wanna hold each other tight?
Don’t you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Don’t you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don’t you wanna stay?

Oh yeeah

Oh, you feel so perfect, baby
Yeah, you feel so perfect, baby

Don’t you wanna stay here a little while?

Don’t you wanna stay here a little while?
Don’t you wanna hold each other tight?
Don’t you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Don’t you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don’t you wanna stay?

13Apr

Sums it up.

MeantToBe

13Apr

Blond hair and redemption.

BlondMeI have been thinking about the past ALOT lately. I’ve been trying to remember what was real, and what wasn’t. I have also been reliving every bad choice I made, the horrible words I said and the consequences of all that. It would be easy to say that I am glad I made all the mistakes I did, because it brought to where I am now, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I was pissed off for a long time and it took a long time for me to let that go. Maybe I am happy with where I am now, but I sure wasn’t back then. While looking thru some old pictures I came to realize that my appearance has drastically changed in the past 15 or so years. I have had some pretty wild hair and make-up. In some of those pics I actually didn’t recognize myself. It made me think about how I was always trying to be somebody else back then, never happy with who or what I was. I can’t say exactly when I stopped this mentality—maybe I’m still got it a little bit. But I have definitely learned how to be happy in my own skin. Maybe happy isn’t the right word, comfortable would probably be better. Yeah, I am comfortable in my own skin.

For almost 10 years I have been coasting along. Sure, I have built up my business, paid my bills, bought and sold a few houses, moved away and then came back, took some jobs and quit some—but that’s just all part of life. Donnie, Jaclyn, Chad and I had a conversation many years ago over too much booze about the “Perfect Life” and from time to time I still go back to that conversation. All our lives were so different then. Donnie & Jaclyn were just friends that night and now they are getting married in a few weeks. Chad and I are just like we were back then, just friends. But all four of us are still a very important part of all our lives. Good friends are hard to find and I tend to hang on to the ones I care about the most.

Anyway, back to the “Perfect Life” conversation. We all voiced our opinion of the perfect life, but the one thing that stands out is after everything was said and done, we all wanted the same thing. We all wanted someone to love us unconditionally and us them, someone to come home to, someone to just be there. We all had good jobs, homes, great friends—everything. But we all had enough alcohol in us to admit that we didn’t have the one thing that we all really wanted. It was one of those conversations we would have never had if booze had not been involved, but I’m glad we had it. We are all really close, but we had never had a conversation like that before.

I have spent the last 20 years pushing away a lot of boys. I even married one, but never really let him in. Recently, I have been trying to figure out if I am strong enough to let someone in. Am I strong enough to show him all my weaknesses, all my strengths and all my flaws? Is he strong enough to handle me? What scares me the most is that when I talk to him my filter is completely off. Not just a little off, but completely off. I am an open book, and I don’t really know how I feel about that. As much as I want to be completely honest with him, there are definitely some things in my past that I don’t want to talk about; not because they are necessarily awful, but that they are just embarrassing. And if he asks, of course I will tell him. (Back to my filter being completely off.)

The most surprising thing about him is that he prefers me with no makeup, just natural. I literally caught myself the other day saying I needed to get in the shower and then “put my mask on”—meaning my makeup. I am still trying to figure out how I feel about no makeup, no mask. I have been able to send him a few selfies o’naturale, but that is not the same as being face to face. Maybe soon I will be ready to take off my mask for him. Maybe something needs to change in me first. Maybe with him too.
Sig

 

12Apr

I want you.

KissMeI want to be the first thing on your mind when you wake up, and the last thing on your mind as you fall into a stressless slumber.
I want to watch as your fingers wrap around a warm mug on a cold day, and notice how as the liquid slides down your throat your eyes light up.
I want to remember the way your handwriting seems to flow so easily onto the paper, and how the pen seems to miss the dash above the i’s.
I want to feel your fingers tangled up with my own, and feel your arms wrap around my waist on a bad day.
I want to hear your voice whisper my name in the early hours of the morning, and I want to hear you confess your undying love for me while you think I can’t hear you.
I want you.
Sig

12Apr

Bad girlfriend.

My Girlfriend’s a dick magnet My Girlfriend’s gotta have it
She’s hot, can’t stop, up on stage, doing shots, Tip the man he’ll
Ring the bell, get her drunk she’ll scream like hell.
Dirty girl, gettin’ down, dance with guys from outta town.
Grab her ass, actin’ tough. Mess with her, she’ll fuck you up.
No one really knows if she’s drunk or if she’s stoned, but she’s
Comin’ back to my place tonight!

She likes to shake her ass she grinds it to the beat
She likes to pull my hair when I make her grind her teeth
I like to strip her down she’s naughty to the end
You know what she is, no doubt about it
She’s a bad, bad girlfriend!Red thong, Party’s on, Love this song, sing along.
Come together, leave alone, see you later back at home
No one really knows if she’s drunk or is she’s stoned
But she’s coming back to my place tonight. I say
No one really knows just how far she’s gonna go,
But I’m gonna find out later tonightDoesn’t take her long to make things right.
But does it make her wrong to
Have the time of her life. the time of her life
My girlfriend’s a dick magnet My girlfriend’s gotta have it

I look around and all I see is, no good, bad and ugly,
Man she’s hot and fixed to be, the future
Ex-Miss Connolly!

She likes to shake her ass she grinds it to the beat
She likes to pull my hair when I make her grind her teeth
I like to strip her down she’s naughty to the end
You know what she is, no doubt about it
She’s a bad, bad girlfriend!
Yep, it’s that kind of day.
Sig
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